Kisses
by Be-More-Specific
Summary: B/S story. Set in season five after the episode Out Of My Mind. *Complete 08/02/03*
1. Chapter 1

What if Spike hadn't been dreaming in Out of My Mind when he kissed Buffy?  
  
She was kissing Spike. Buffy repeated it in her head at least three times before it sunk in that she was actually doing it. "Buffy, I love you. God I love you so much." Buffy leaned forward and pulled him to her for another kiss. Unsure as to why, Spike telling her he loved her didn't make her want to throw up. This felt right. It felt right and good. Spike ran one of his hands up and down her back, touching the bruise that he had left there when they had fought a little earlier.  
  
This brought her to her senses a little and she pushed him away from her, "What in the hell are you doing Spike?"  
  
The blonde vampire looked a little surprised, "Whatever I'm doing up until about a second ago you were doing it back."  
  
Buffy couldn't think of a come back and simply stood there until the man in front of her took a step forward and placed one of his hands on her waist, he looked into her face and spoke quietly to her, "If you tell me to stop I will. I don't want to even try and force you. So if you want to run and tell me to stop, them you can."  
  
Buffy froze, it would have been easier to simply run, but now he had given her the option she wasn't sure she felt like making the decisions. It felt different with Spike. She had thought, not that she had ever thought, but she would have thought that he would have felt a little like Angel, cold and soft and gentle. But he didn't, he felt good and strong, like he wanted everything from her. Angel hadn't been allowed to want everything. Buffy ran one of her hands up Spike's arm towards his face. Her fingers wrapped and twisted the bleached blonde hair around her fingers, which was surprisingly soft. She touched his face and ran her hand over his cheek, "I don't know what I'm doing. I can't think straight."  
  
Spike gave her his trademark smirk, "When you can't seem to think, the best thing is not to even try." Quickly but gently he pulled her body flush with his, and giving her plenty of chance to run away he kissed her again. Buffy hesitated for a second, before she wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him hard and full.  
  
Spike moaned and held her so tightly she couldn't move as he nibbled at her lips, rubbed her mouth with his tongue. After a few moments, Buffy pulled away slowly. She smiled at Spike slightly and walked towards the door. Spike was surprised and a little hurt. She turned around, "I have to go and check on my mom." The Slayer smiled, "I'll be back later, if you not busy?"  
  
Spike smiled back as the Slayer raised her eyebrows, "I could probably fit you in pet."  
  
Buffy walked out and smiled to herself, she was trying not to think too much or she might talk herself out of something that was feeling real good. Her final thought before she reached her house was that Spike was a better kisser than Riley. 


	2. Chapter 2

Her mom was asleep on the sofa and Dawn was upstairs listening to Greenday on her headset. Buffy was tempted to head straight back over to Spike's crypt. She was kinda sorry that she had left in the first place as it had really killed the moment. Whoa! She was having a moment? She and SPIKE were having a moment. This was freaking her out on a whole new level and for some reason it really did not feel icky. She wanted to go back and finish that kissing session.with Spike. Deciding that she was going to do something for herself for once and trying desperately not to think about Riley and how he would be perfectly right to scream and yell at her along the 'I told you so' line, she grabbed her coat from her bedroom. She bounded down the stairs as quickly as she could without making any noise that could disturb her family and pulled open her front door to see Riley stood there his hand raised as though he was about to knock. A fresh stab of guilt clutched Buffy, he had been right. Less than twelve hours after Riley's 'superpowers' had been taken away she had kissed a master vampire. What the hell did that say about her, "Riley? What are you doing here? Shouldn't you still be in the hospital?"  
  
"I just wanted to come and talk to you."  
  
Buffy could tell that she was looking guilty, "You did? Now?"  
  
Riley frowned slightly, "Well yeah."  
  
"No, no, it's fine. I just thought that you'd still be getting prodded by needles and having tests and stuff."  
  
Riley smiled at his girlfriend, "No. I wanted to see you. Can we go up?"  
  
Buffy was almost on autopilot as she led Riley to her room. She kept imagining things going wrong somehow, that he would somehow know instinctively without her saying anything.  
  
It was a few seconds after Riley started speaking that she even realised where she was, ".so I just wanted to apologise again and tell you how sorry I was. They were my issues; they weren't even really anything to do with you. I was putting them onto you and it was wrong of me."  
  
Buffy tried to focus on the conversation, "It's okay Riley. We'll work it out. Somehow. You just have to understand that I'm with you for a reason, it's not because you could, you know, leap tall buildings in a single bound." Buffy was cringing inside as she thought about Spike. Spike! Spike!! Why was she thinking of Spike when she was sat here with her boyfriend. A boyfriend that loved her and made her feel safe and loved. Riley leaned forward and kissed her gently. She automatically responded. As Riley pulled her towards him she realised that her mind was not where it should be. The way it hadn't been with Scott. Buffy pulled away from Riley, at the hurt look on his face she quickly tried to cover up her reaction, "Oh.I'm sorry Riley. But you've just had a major operation on your heart and I don't want to do anything that means you wont heal as quickly."  
  
Buffy smiled at him but he looked upset and angry, "God Buffy! So much for everything you said. That you didn't want a boyfriend with powers! That me only being a human being didn't bother you. You are already treating me like a child." Riley stood up and headed for the door.  
  
"Look, I'm sorry," Buffy put a hand on his arm. "It doesn't matter what you are, you wont be in a fit state to get it on less than twelve hours after major heart surgery. It's not because."  
  
Riley cut her off by taking her in his arms, "Then prove it to me. We'll take it slow and careful and you wont hurt me I swear and if you do I'll tell you and you can stop. Okay?"  
  
Buffy really didn't feel in the mood but she returned his kiss anyway.  
  
A couple of hours later Buffy saw Riley to her door with the ex soldier grinning like a Cheshire cat. She had to practically force him out of the door; he didn't even seem ready to leave then. But Buffy had to get rid of him. Her mother would need her help and she had to go on patrol. Buffy tried to convince herself that she was only going out to patrol. She wasn't going to see a certain bleach cloned vampire.  
  
"I always wanted to kill a Slayer." Buffy ducked, "And I always wanted piano lessons, so really we've both been holding inside all this unexpressed rage." Buffy was winning and she knew it. She was taking out quite a bit of rage on this particular vamp, while taking her time. She had lost her nerve and she hadn't gone to see Spike, but she had promised her self that she would go after this one. She punched the huge demon in the face. "But really." kick, "I think." punch, "I'm expressing mine better." Thump. "Tell you what." arm wrench, "You find yourself a good anger management class and I'll jab this pokey wood stick through you heart." Buffy dusted her coat as she put her stake back in her pocket. Trying to delay the moment se would have to go and see Spike, "I think that sets the world's speed record for closure."  
  
Buffy turned and was ready to leave when someone called out to her, "Miss if you're looking for one of those rave parties you're late. I cleared a load of kids out of here last night."  
  
Buffy quickly fell into her role exchanging some brief banter with the guy and turned to leave as soon as possible.  
  
"Hey miss," Buffy turned round again, "Take this, whatever it is with you."  
  
Buffy looked down at the circular glowing object in her hands, "Thank you."  
  
"Glow-balls huh? I swear I don't get your generation. What is that thing?"  
  
Buffy turned to leave, "Let you know a soon as I find out."  
  
Buffy walked away from the factory district trying to keep her mind on the glowing object. But he mind wasn't really there. It was in the Shady Cemetary where her feet were currently taking her. Before she even realised where she was she was staring at the door of Spike's crypt. Knocking on the door for the first timein her life she waited, "Come in."  
  
Buffy felt her heart in her throat as she opened the door and stepped inside, she shouldn't be doing this. Just turn around and run. Her feet didn't want to obey her though. She just looked at him, "Hey."  
  
He just smiled, "I've been waiting for you pet." 


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I own nothing in any of my stories. They are the property of Joss Whedon and co.  
  
Buffy smiled, "You have?"  
  
Spike moved from where he stood and sat down on the sarcophagus in the centre of the room, "Yeah."  
  
Buffy didn't know what to say. She knew what she wanted to do but she wasn't sure if it was the right thing to do exactly. Apart from anything else she felt a little inexperienced next to Spike who had been around for over a hundred years. She was far from a blushing schoolgirl but still. "I don't really know what to say to you. This is kinda new terrain," and it really was. Spike didn't have a soul. He was a demon and yet she had wanted to come here tonight.to him. And he had said hat he loved her.  
  
"What do you want to say Slayer?" Spike found this new expression on her face adorable. She always looked beautiful and he knew it. He might be her enemy and a vampire but he was still a man and not blind. He had tried his best to avoid looking at her like this. She was Slayer number three, not someone to be though of like he was thinking now. He didn't know what had come over him this morning, he had just felt the nee to kiss her, he had, and she hadn't even tried to push him off. He stood up and walked over to the tiny mortal who looked up into his face, she was nervous? Spike smiled to himself as he ran one hand down the side of her cheek.  
  
Buffy shivered into his touch as he leaned for and kissed her. She wrapped her arms around his neck. Why couldn't she feel like this around Riley, or even Scott? Why with a vampire? Why in God's name did it have to be with Spike of all vampires? Her body though didn't seem to give a damn. Buffy pulled her self to him.  
  
Spike frowned, something was wrong. She felt like Buffy and she tasted like Buffy, but she sure as hell didn't smell like Buffy. She smelled like.oh bugger.she didn't.she hadn't.she smelled like soldier boy. Spike pushed himself away from her, fighting for the breath that he didn't need, he could see from her face that she was confused, but he was too busy trying not to be sick from the idea of the idiot touching her after he had, "Your boy back on his feet is he Slayer?"  
  
Buffy was stunned, how did Spike know about her bo.Riley getting better? He couldn't know. But if he did and he seemed to did that mean he knew about.? Oh shit shit shit shit shit. She forced her voice not to shake, "He's getting better."  
  
Spike growled deep in his throat. "Better enough to spend the entire after noon inside of you? Did you think I wouldn't know Slayer? He's all over you. I can smell that idiot from over here!"  
  
Buffy went pale, now she was the one who felt a little queasy. She felt so cheap. She hadn't thought about that, Spike being able to smell.it. After spending hours with the man she claimed to love she had come back here to the arms of her mortal enemy. She realised that Spike must be feeling it too, cheap like he was being used. For that she did feel guilty even though he didn't know why. "I.He came to see me just after I got back from here this after noon.and.well." Buffy was embarrassed, she didn't know what to say so she tried to cover, "Oh for god's sake, he's my boyfriend Spike, he ahs the right to spend the afternoon with me," she deliberately stayed away from Spike's chosen phrase.  
  
Spike was hurt too, he turned his back on Buffy as he tried to reign in his temper before he said something that they would both regret, "So, what Slayer? You just thought you'd come here to see me when Riley couldn't give you what you needed? Is that it?"  
  
Buffy flushed, "No that's not it. Look, I' sorry okay. I really didn't want to, but I couldn't just tell him no. He's already freaking out over this operation leaving him with no superhero strength anymore I just didn't want to give him an extra reason to feel insecure."  
  
Spike turned to her, game face on as his temper flared again, "In case you didn't notice he does have a reason to be insecure, very insecure. His girl is stopping by a vampires lair ready to get it on."  
  
Buffy looked at him her eyes hardening she was hurt and despite the fact she knew it would be wise to just count to ten but she let it come out anyway, "Did you actually think that I would let you touch me, I mean really touch me? You're disgusting Spike. You are an evil vampire. When you told me that you loved me what did you think I would say? That I loved you too? That I would just fall into your arms and we'd live happily ever after? Wrong! You're just a vampire and maybe I felt like coming to see you for a bit of fun, but you are crazy, and I mean more crazy than usual, if you ever though it could be anymore than that."  
  
Spike felt his heart break as he looked at her. Se had just voiced his fears and made them real: that she could never see him as anything but a demon, her enemy. "I think that you should just go now then Slayer," he said quietly.  
  
Buffy regretted her words before they had even finished coming out of her mouth. She shouldn't have said any of that. God she didn't even mean it. She shouldn't have said it. She hadn't even meant it to come out that strongly, "I.I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. I didn't." She could swear that she saw tears in his eyes, she felt her stomach clench, had she hurt him that much? Buffy went forward and tried to put a hand on his arm. Spike just moved his hand and took hers. He led her out of the crypt and let go of her. All Buffy could do was look behind her as he closed the door. 


	4. Chapter 4

The text has been borrowed from the episode No Place From Home I don't own it or any of the characters. All belongs to Joss Whedon and Co.  
  
Buffy woke early the next morning. She had wanted to go back in and talk to him but she hadn't been able to face him after what she had said. She really had been queen bitch. Cordelia would have been proud of her. Buffy flushed a little at that thought. Even Cordelia wouldn't have been that cruel. And to top it all of her mom was still sick. Buffy dragged her self out of bed. She'd go and do a little cooking see if she could help cheer herself and her mom up.  
  
One look at Buffy told Dawn that something was wrong. She was pretty sure that her sister wasn't worried about Riley. Contrary to popular belief she did know what went on when Buffy and Riley were 'training'. "Hey," said Dawn, "How you doing?"  
  
Buffy took a second to register Dawn's presence, "Oh hey. Just you know. Usual."  
  
Dawn looked at her and Buffy flushed guiltily under her sisters gaze, "What's up? Trouble with Riley?"  
  
Buffy looked at Dawn wondering when her baby sister had gotten so damn observant, "No, I just didn't sleep well last night. A little groggy today."  
  
Dawn rolled her eyes, "Fine if you don't want to talk about it, but there is no need to lie to me."  
  
Buffy smiled, "Since when did you care? You normally cause my bad moods not sympathise with them."  
  
Dawn smirked, "I'm a female it's my pergative to change my mind."  
  
"Prerogative."  
  
"Whatever. Besides if I'm nice maybe I could go with you to Giles' today for his grand opening at the magic shop."  
  
Buffy glared, "All right but I swear if you break anything, touching anything, breath on anything in the wrong way I will kill you. And it's only to stop you bothering mom while she's sick."  
  
Dawn went a little pale, "Can we not talk about that please. It makes ME feel sick."  
  
Buffy put a piece of French toast on as plate as her mother walked into the room looking even paler than Dawn did. "Hey mom, you feeling okay?"  
  
"Oh the headaches they said would go away came back and brought some friends along with."  
  
Buffy was worried, her mom never got sick. She wanted to fix it somehow, she wasn't used to not being able to fix things that went wrong. "Well breakfast is served. We have to go to Giles' shop opening." Buffy knew that she was going to regret taking Dawn with her but she was way too worried about what she had said to Spike to refuse her sister.  
  
Dawn had broken something within twenty minutes of them walking through the door. Not only that. The younger Summers had laughed herself silly at Giles' outfit, okay she herself had too but internally, and then she had offended Riley by saying that he was pasty pale and mentioning a private conversation between Buffy and her mom, when Buffy had said that she had to think of a way of stopping Riley from wanting to patrol anymore. Riley had looked embarrassed, glared at Buffy and then headed for the workout room. Willow telling her to go easy on Dawn had been the last straw. Buffy had left the glowing orb to be examined and left. They were heading home and Dawn was still prattling on about how knocking over the fifty dollar statuette hadn't been her fault as Buffy had obviously gotten a double dose of reflexes.  
  
The sight of Joyce Summers obviously with a terrible headache finished off the argument. Leaving her mom in Dawn's dubious care Buffy was at the hospital collecting pills galore. On her way out Buffy spotted the intern who had looked after Dawn the other day. He was pushing a trolley with a flailing man on it. "Hey, Ben right?"  
  
The guy looked at her in confusion for a few seconds as though trying to place her, "Oh yeah right. Buffy. You're mom was in as was your sister Doctor Dawn."  
  
Buffy smiled a little, "Yeah. That's right. Just getting a prescription."  
  
Buffy was cut off as the man on the trolley began to flail wildly and began had to lean on him to get him still, "You're hurting the nice intern who's here to help you. I need nine cc's of Phenobarbital." Buffy pushed the man down with one hand, "Or not. You know not to be rampantly sexist in the workplace but you've got some serious muscles for a girl."  
  
Buffy flushed, she knew it was stupid of her to show how strong she was really but Ben seemed like a nice guy and the flailing man was being a pain. "Oh.I.uh."  
  
Ben smiled at her obvious look of embarrassment and threw her a lifeline, "Radioactive spider bite?"  
  
Buffy smiled back, "How did you guess?"  
  
Whatever Ben had been about to say was cut off as the man grabbed Buffy by the wrist, "Doesn't help; doesn't make a damn bite of difference." Buffy realised in horror that it was the night watch man who'd found the glowing orb. "Don't think you're above it missy, they come through your family. They get to your family."  
  
Buffy dropped the pills on the floor as the implication of this statement set in, "My family? What do you mean?" But the man was wheeled away before Buffy could ask any more questions. After exchanging a few pleasantries with Ben Buffy dropped off her mums prescription and headed straight to Spike's crypt.  
  
One of the monks of Dagon, Simon, sat on the floor pouring over a map. He had to find out exactly where they had sent the key. Thomnus and Theodore. A lump came to his throat. They had told him to run, find the key, and warn its carer. They were dead, the Beast had killed them. It would still be looking for him , he had to do this quickly. He had to protect the key. For his friends. A pounding stopped him. "The Beast."  
  
As soon as he had formed the thought, the metal covering over what once had been a door flew off and a woman in a red dress came in. She was slim and pretty, but appearances could be deceiving. He would have smiled at the irony of that thought had it not been for the panic that he was feeling. The woman fixed her eyes on him, "There you are. I have been looking all over for you."  
  
Later on, Simon wished that he had died with the others. He hurt all over. She was ranting. she did that a lot. "You know when you think about it I'm the victim here. First up I don't even want to be here, and I'm not talking about this room this city this state or this planet. I'm talking about the whole mortal coil thing you know it's disgusting. The food, the clothes, the people, I could crap a better existence than this. But now, and feel free to tell me if this next part gets a little too personal cause I'm told I have boundary issues, but I'm hurt. Yes, by you're incredibly selfish behaviour. News flash hair do. It's not always about you. All I want is the key.why.why can't you tell me where the key is? Oh, forgive me monky. Sometimes I get so anxious, like there's something swelling up inside and it's making me crazy that I forget," The Beast ripped duck tape off his face, "That there's all that duck tape on your face. Now, tell me where the key is." The Beast pushed her knuckles into his eyes. Simon wanted to scream but he hadn't the energy. Taking them away she held his face, "It's okay, it's okay, the stutters sexy keep it coming."  
  
Simon fought to make the words come out of his mouth, he said in his own language, "Kill me.kill me," and he truly wished that she would do it.  
  
The Best just seemed to be enraged, she replied, in the same language, "We're in the new world now so for God's sake, speak American."  
  
Simon wet his lips trying to speak, "I will tell you ."  
  
The thing in front of him smiled, "Yes?"  
  
For a second he was tempted to just tell her, she might have ended his pain if he had, but he couldn't his friends hadn't and they had given their lives, "Nothing!"  
  
The Beast looked as though she was about to cry, "Fine. You know what I wish. I wish that you could feel what I'm feeling right now." E-Theman that she had tied up in the corner spoke hesitantly, "Lady whoever you are whatever you're on please."  
  
She ignored him, "Cause I don't know how much more of this I can take."  
  
Simon wished that he could help the man somehow. Get him out of this place, but he knew that he couldn't. He also knew that once the best had finished with the man he would be worse than dead. He couldn't help him, the Beast needed him, and she would take what she needed. The man spoke again. He was telling the Beast about his family, hoping that she would show him some mercy. But Simon knew that she wouldn't she didn't really know anything about mercy. She didn't need to. As far as she was concerned, where she came from it didn't exist.  
  
The Beast didn't even seem to notice him properly, "I bet this is fun for you isn't it. Say it you like to torture me. Why? You don't even own the damn thing and I want it I need it and I've gotta have it now and you keep refusing to tell me where the key is and it typical, it's typical. Typical." Simon watched as the Beast began to move as though she was high, "The whole mortal meat sack comes complete with stink and bile, sweat and protein. Yes, I said humans.not now mommy's talking. Wiggling, piling, prowling, crawling, clowning, cavorting, and over and over and over and over until something gotta sit down on the top and make this poor thing stop." Simon knew what was coming. It was probably what she was going to do to him in the end. The Beast leant over the man and accompanied by beams of light inserted her fingers into his temples. The man bucked and writhed in agony as the Beast pulled the energy she needed out of him. Simon couldn't scream or cry out or do anything, he was transfixed with horror and pain, barely registering as she stood up and spoke.and walked towards him, "That is so much better."  
  
After deliberating for a few seconds, Buffy pushed the door open and walked inside. "Spike? Spike? Are you here?"  
  
Spike seemed to melt out of the darkness at the back of the crypt, "Where else would I be Slayer?"  
  
He was dressed as usual, black jeans and t-shirt. For the first time Buffy noticed how incredibly hot he was. Quickly concentrating back on the topic at hand Buffy spoke, "I need your help. I need you to tell me if there's anything new in town. Anything new? Anything playing with magic?" Spike looked at her but did not speak, "Look Spike I'm sorry about last night I didn't mean it. I was just mad at you, like I nearly always am. But I need you to tell me if you know anything." Spike didn't say anything again. Buffy was starting to get desperate, "Please Spike."  
  
Spike wanted to help her. He wanted to tell her that he loved her. That he would do anything that she asked if she would just give him a chance. But he didn't believe that she was really sorry. After what she said, he didn't believe that she could be sorry for it. He started to believe it when she started to cry.  
  
Buffy was desperate. And she was sorry. Spike had always helped her before when she had come to him. Granted he had sometimes wanted paying but still, he had always been there to help her when she had needed him. Why wouldn't he help her now? But she knew why. She had hurt him. She felt the tears slide down her cheeks as she turned away and headed for the door. 


	5. Chapter 5

I own nothing. None of the text. None of the characters. All are the property of Joss Whedon and Co. The French words are as close a translation as I could find, it means 'to pull back the curtains'.  
  
Spike couldn't just let her leave like that. He walked up behind her quickly. And grabbed her arm. He knew that he should still be mad at her. But he couldn't.he loved her. Idiot that he was. He loved her. She could hurt him and he didn't know if he would ever reach his limit. He knew that she shouldn't really be jealous of Riley. He had seen the way they were together. The Slayer didn't rely on him. She didn't need him, she sometimes barely even noticed if he was around or not, and the boy knew it. Spike had seen it in his eyes. Riley wasn't the guy for the Slayer Spike knew it, Riley knew it. Spike would just have to wait until the Slayer realised it. Spike pulled her body close to him as he buried his face in her hair.  
  
Buffy didn't hesitate when Spike put his arms around her. She wanted him to hold her, to tell her how much he loved her even if she couldn't say it back to him. Buffy breathed in deeply. She loved his scent. Burying her face in his chest she cried softly. Feeling him kiss her on the top of the head, she lifted her head and kissed him. It was her turn to kiss him. To show him that she didn't really think what she had said to him. Buffy rubbed her hands over the blonde vampires chest and shoulders as she kissed him gently. Pushing her tongue past his teeth, he moaned into her mouth.  
  
Spike held onto her and ran his hands up and down her back. After a few seconds he very gently pushed her away from him. Buffy looked confused and hurt. Spike quickly smiled and said, "Maybe you'd better tell me what's wrong pet before we get caught up in other things."  
  
Buffy smiled a little but pushed herself back into his arms as she started talking, "There was a guy at the hospital when I went to get my mom's pills. He seemed a little nuts but, he said that there was something that could get to me through my family. The doctor's don't know what's wrong with my mom and so I thought that maybe it could be supernatural, magic. I wanted to know if you had heard of anything new that's come to Sunnydale. Oh and the night watch man, that was the guy at the hospital, I saw him last night he was absolutely fine, no crazies. But he found this glow ball, he thought that it was mine and I have the guys working on it. Wow I go on don't I?"  
  
Spike smiled, "A bit pet. The only thing I heard happened about two months ago, just about the same time as Dracula. So, even though it was weird I wrote it off as something to do with him. But now.maybe there is something in it. As for the, what did you call it? Glow ball? I've no idea, never heard of anything like it. Does that cover everything?"  
  
Buffy smirked at him, "Everything except details about the weird things."  
  
Spike nodded his head, "Well, the old factory district on the west side had a bit of a disturbance. Apparently, some monks appeared out of nowhere set themselves up there, but within about two days they were gone. No idea what it was all about. My only thought it that perhaps they were spell casting and after it was done they did what most bad guys don't have the brains to do around here and ran."  
  
Buffy frowned for a second, "Only one small flaw. If they did cast a spell on my mom, what was their plan? If as you say they left town what was the point? To worry me yeah okay, but why? To what end? Most of the bad guys set up a diversion to do something not for nothing."  
  
Spike shrugged apologetically, "No idea pet."  
  
Buffy put her head in her hands, "It's my mom, and I have to do something."  
  
Spike went over and pulled her into a hug. The tears had started again and he just let them come. She probably needed to cry he decided, she was always being strong, she needed to let go now and again, "It's okay Slayer, we'll figure this out."  
  
Buffy looked up, "We?"  
  
Spike smiled, "Of course 'we' you nit. Who am I going to have feed me hot chocolate and marshmallows? Your mom needs to get well soon."  
  
Buffy left the crypt feeling better than she had when she had arrived. At least she had a starting point now. These monks. Buffy headed back to the magic shop for an update, she also wanted to drop a few hints as to the monks and her suspicions about her mom.  
  
Well she managed to tell Giles the update, he had almost begged her for an update. The shop, worryingly empty this morning had suddenly filled up. A lot. There were people everywhere. Anya seemed to be in her element. She was taking money off people and then on Xander's instruction telling them to have a nice day. Buffy didn't think about this for too long, a thousand year old ex-demon, who punished men telling them to have a nice day? It just made her head spin. She managed to get herself sat comfortably behind the counter. Sorry Giles, sympathetic and all but Mom ill is a priority. Buffy was looking for spell that could be used to make someone sick. She had asked Willow but she had never heard of anything like it. Willow had heard of spells to kill but never to simply make someone headachy. There was, unfortunately nothing in the books.  
  
Anya thought Buffy was very silly, why didn't she let the academic types do the research. Buffy could have been helping her, not that Anya really wanted her to but the offer would be nice. Deciding to offer some help Anya spoke, she wasn't serving anyone right then anyway, she was rescuing a package that Willow had tried to gift wrap. It looked like the paper had been shredded before she had even started, "You know Buffy," Buffy looked up at Anya a little irritated at being interrupted, "There was this French sorcerer back the in the sixteenth I-don't-know-what called um." The name escaped her, "Gutierre?" Giles asked. Anya smiled and nodded, "So cute in his little knickers. Anyway he had this one spell the demons just hated called 'ouvrir les rideaux'."  
  
Buffy frowned, "Rotate many foodstuffs."  
  
Willow smiled, "Pull the curtain back." Anya smiled "A spell to see spells, well a trance to see spells actually, but you get the idea. Try that."  
  
Buffy looked at Anya like the ex-demon had just suggested she dress up as a bunny and surprise the little kids, "What do you mean 'see spells'."  
  
Giles looked thoughtful, Buffy was surprised he wasn't cleaning his glasses, it might have had something to do with the fact that his hands were full of boxes, "Well all spells leave behind a trace signature it's just not perceptible to the human eye. In this case it could be the image of a hand choking your mother."  
  
"Or a cloud of mist around her." Anya's interest in this conversation was waning they'd figure it out they always did.  
  
Willow's eyes lit up, "Or maybe the shape of the demon that's doing the spell?"  
  
"Possible." Willow looked pleased at Giles confirmation making Buffy smile.  
  
"Ok," Buffy was ready to try anything at this point even taking advice form the former vengeance demon, "So I'll do what.monsieur silk-knickers did. I'll go home I'll get trancey and I'll see what's effecting my mom."  
  
They had argued with her over it of course, telling her that it was dangerous unless you knew what you were doing. She didn't care. It was her mom. She was not to risk her mom for anything. Buffy had thought about calling Spike for help, he'd been around for a while he might know what to do if something went wrong. But it was still daylight and she didn't know how she would explain his presence to anyone else should they see him. Riley called round without warning sometimes. That was all she needed. After arguing with Dawn, who wanted to watch, Buffy settled her self down.  
  
The room was floating, no, she was floating. Her feet weren't touching the floor. Buffy opened her eyes and the darkness outside stunned her. She could have sworn that she had only been sitting there a moment. But her clock said it had been two and a half hours. Buffy moved, well she stood but she seemed to do it without actually having to do anything. Her whole body moved when she told it to but it didn't feel like her limbs were moving.  
  
Buffy walked down the stairs and looked around, it was like looking at everything through a thin mist, but in a good way. Buffy's attention was focused as soon as se heard her mother calling her, "Buffy" "Mom," Buffy began inspecting her mother while at the same time trying to carry on a normal sounding conversation. "You going out." "Well either modern medicines working or I just took the world's best placebo either way, I'm going out for a couple of hours." There was nothing. Why was there nothing, why couldn't she see anything? Had the trance failed? She didn't think so but she couldn't see anything on her mother, unconsciously Buffy said, "Nothing." Joyce Summers frowned, "What?" "There's nothing." Joyce smiled in maternal concern, "Are you sure that you're okay? You seem a little out of it." Buffy tried to focus, but something caught her eye. The picture on the wall was moving. No it wasn't moving, it was vanishing more particularly Dawn. Dawn was vanishing. Joyce touched her daughters' arm to get her attention, "Hey?" Buffy looked at her mom, "Oh yeah I'm fine. You go, have a good time." "You're so grown up." Joyce touched Buffy's face and left.  
  
Buffy moved through the house looking at other pictures of Dawn. No matter which one she looked at the image of her sister kept vanishing. What did this mean? Buffy forced her mind to see clearly. Did it mean that Dawn wasn't here? It had to mean something like that. And if Dawn wasn't here what was? Was Dawn possessed with something, meaning that her sister wasn't here? Buffy walked into her sister's room. All the furniture kept vanishing, showing what looked like a storage room instead. This made no sense. "Buffy." Why would the furniture be disappearing? "Buffy." The pictures and the furniture, but why? "Buffy!" The sound of 'Dawn's' voice penetrated her mind. "Buffy, who said you could come in my room?" Dawn kept flashing in and out of Buffy's vision. Whatever that thing was, it wasn't her sister. It might have possessed her, or it might have something to do with the monk. Whatever it was, it was in her house and it wasn't Dawn. Buffy looked at it with hatred in her eyes, "You're not my sister."  
  
Spike had been worried about Buffy. She was acting overly stressed about this. He had headed over to her house and climbed the tree outside, moving like a shadow. Seeing Buffy sitting on the floor her body relaxed with incense burning, he had guessed almost immediately, what was going on. A trance, Spike knew what trances looked like. Drusilla had used them in one way or another for over a hundred years in his presence. He had also seen what had happened once in the early years when the she hadn't been able to get out of one. Whatever had motivated Buffy to try trances had to be serious, something to do with Joyce? Spike moved around the house keeping an eye on Buffy through the various windows. It became apparent, as she peered at a picture of her sister and mum, that she was seeing something he was not. He followed her back upstairs and watched. As soon as he heard what Buffy said to her sister, his eyes went wide. 


	6. Chapter 6

I own nothing, nothing at all. I am all poor. All belongs to Joss Whedon and co.  
  
Spike jumped down from his perch and ran round the front of the house; opening the door, he sprinted up the stairs and watched as Buffy threw her sister against the wardrobe door. Quickly stepping in front of Buffy, he put his hands on her shoulders, and looked into her face. Her eyes were clear; she was out of the trance. He hadn't wanted her to know that he had been watching her, but Buffy would never forgive herself if she did something to Dawn while in a trance. "Buffy, what are you doing pet?"  
  
Buffy squirmed in his grasp trying to turn her attention back to Dawn, "No.let go I have to."  
  
But Spike was determined; he knew that Dawn was well.Dawn. He knew her scent; he had known it for over three years, "No, Buffy, you have to tell me what's wrong. Tell me and if you're right, whatever it is you're trying to do I'll help."  
  
Buffy stared at him for a second, "You don't understand.she's not, I don't know."  
  
Buffy looked a little scared, Spike rubbed her shoulders with his thumbs and turned to Dawn, "Go down stairs bit. I'll try and figure out what's wrong here." Dawn looked at Spike uncertainly for a second, she knew he was a vampire; she had been there the first time that Spike had ever attacked Buffy. She didn't know whether to trust him, but seeing no better option she quickly turned and ran down the stairs. Spike turned back to the Slayer, "Buffy, tell me what's wrong. Why don't you think that Dawn isn't your sister? Buffy, tell me. You have to tell me."  
  
Buffy was confused. She didn't understand how Dawn could not be her sister but she knew that she wasn't the trance had worked and it had told her that this thing was not her sister. "I was in a trance. I saw things. That thing is not my sister. Maybe she's possessed, or maybe she's been replaced with something. I don't know exactly but I know that.it is not my sister."  
  
Spike was confused, but he did not doubt her sincerity. She was being as honest as she could be telling him all that she could, "Buffy, that is Dawn. No, listen to me pet. I know Dawn's scent. I know that Dawn hasn't been.changed. She is the same as she ever was."  
  
Buffy was shaking her head, she looked about to cry for the second time that day, but she didn't, "I can't explain it Spike. But I know it. That is not my sister."  
  
Spike was stopped from answering by the phone ringing. "You'd better get that pet."  
  
Buffy and Spike walked down the stairs. Picking up the phone, Buffy took a deep breath. Hearing Giles voice, Spike was touched to see her turn the phone so that he could hear the conversation about this glow-ball that Buffy had found, "It's called the Dagon-sphere and it has a history going back many centuries"  
  
Buffy's eyes flicked to Spike, "Go on."  
  
"It's a protective device used to ward off ancient primordial evil."  
  
Buffy grew more agitated, "Any word on what this evil looks like?" Spike could tell that Buffy thought this evil had something to do with Dawn. But he didn't see it. You couldn't dress as someone and have their scent. It was as clear as a fingerprint, just as unique but about a hundred times harder to fake.  
  
"Unfortunately no. All it says is that the Dagon-sphere was used to repel 'that which can not be named'."  
  
Buffy turned questioning eyes to Spike, "I'm gonna go back to the factory where I found it. Whoever planted this doo-hickey's got answers." Spike knew that she was asking him to go with her. He nodded.  
  
"Buffy I know I've said this before but for goodness sake be careful. Anything that goes unnamed is usually an object of deep worship or great fear. Possibly both. Have you completed the trance to see what's harming your mother?"  
  
Buffy felt an urge to tell the man who was still her watcher and practically her father, "That's the thing, I just saw." Buffy's voice trailed off as Spike touched her arm and indicated behind her, signalling that Dawn was in the room. "Nothing, it didn't work."  
  
Buffy was walking quickly to the factory, she had to be back home before her mother got there and was alone in the house with that thing pretending to be her sister. Buffy couldn't understand how something could fool Spike, but it had to be powerful, and she wasn't going to let it happen, not to her, her mom, or her sister, wherever she was.  
  
Spike was worried, Buffy was very tense, her heart was pounding, Spike could hear it, and she was almost running to the warehouse. He didn't know what she had seen to convince her, so completely but it had to be amazing. After a few second, he took her hand and squeezed it. He saw her smile as she squeezed his. Her pace slowed and she seemed to relax minutely.  
  
They crept through the old warehouse and Buffy felt a tug on her arm Spike pointed to the monk, Buffy let go of his hand and ran to the man, "It was you who planted the Dagon-sphere right? I got it. Don't worry I'm stronger than I look." Buffy glanced at Spike and flicked her eyes to show she knew about the approaching person, Spike stood back into the shadows, the woman hadn't seen him yet and an element of surprise might be useful. "I've had experience with this sort of thing before, but best of all." Buffy turned and put her and on the woman's throat, "I'm not stupid." Next thing Spike saw was the woman in the red dress pull Buffy's hand off her throat and hit the Slayer in the face. Buffy flew across the room and landed in a crouch. Spike was stunned for a second, but that was all it took for him to get across to her and pull her to her feet.  
  
"Are you sure about that last part? Two of you huh? Well wont be that difficult." The woman stopped after a second, "A vampire? A vampire? A vampire that wants to fight me? Never even thought about that. But maybe I can find out if anything besides the basics kill you, you know, like dismemberment, castration, anything else really."  
  
Spike squirmed, at the very idea. He didn't like this one little bit. This bitch had thrown Buffy without a second thought. She was strong. They needed to know what they were up against before they fought her. Unfortunately, that wasn't really an option. Buffy wasn't going to leave without the monk. So fight it was.  
  
The woman was winning, even against the two of them and Buffy knew it. She knew that Spike knew it. The bitch wasn't even breaking a sweat. Neither of them could keep this up for much longer. Buffy grabbed Spike by the arm and ran for the monk. The woman gave chase quickly but not before Buffy, closely followed by Spike, jumped through the plate glass making sure the already injured monk didn't hit the floor.  
  
Hearing the building collapse behind them, Buffy began to drag the monk away with Spike's help, but he didn't seem to want to be dragged. He pulled away from them and lay down on the floor, "I'm done. My journeys done." Spike gripped the man's arms and tried to haul the man to his feet, "No it bloody well isn't. We need your help. I'm betting you know what is happening with Dawn. We need you to explain."  
  
The monk nodded, "The key. You must protect the key."  
  
Buffy nodded, "Yes, excellent plan, we'll protect the key together, all three of us. We'll do it somewhere that's not here though because that thing is strong and we're going to need your help."  
  
The monk didn't seem to hear her, "The world.many will die.everyone will die, if you don't keep it safe."  
  
Spike was getting impatient, "Look, if we don't get out of here now, there will be no one left alive to protect the key, we have to go now."  
  
Buffy could see that the man was really about to die, "What is it? The key, what is it?"  
  
Spike looked up at the factory checking for signs of life. Finding none, he let the man answer "For centuries it had no form at all, my brothers, kept it safe. Now we can't I am the last. The Beast found us before we could escape. We hid ourselves with magic for years but she still found us."  
  
Buffy sighed, "Yes but what is it?"  
  
The man looked nervous as thought he might be chastised but he carried on anyway, "When the Beast found us, we learnt that our magic's were inadequate they weren't going to work anymore. We had to try something else, we had to hide the key. Gave it form, moulded it flesh made it human and sent it to you."  
  
Buffy looked as thought she was going to be sick. Spike felt her grip his arm, the man couldn't mean, surely the bloke couldn't be telling them.but Buffy answered before Spike could even ask, "Dawn?"  
  
The monk nodded, "She's the key. We knew the Slayer would protect. But we had to be sure. You have memories of her, you have memories of loving her, and so you will protect her."  
  
Buffy clutched Spike tighter, "You put that thing into my home. You went inside my head.minds of everyone I love and built memories?" The monk nodded, "Then you un-build them. You can't just insert her into my life."  
  
The monk became agitated, "You can not just abandon her, she, is you. We made her out of you, taking your memories and made her."  
  
Buffy trembled as realisation hit her, "She's not my sister. I don't have a sister. How? She's always been there.she's my.How can she not be my sister?"  
  
The monk smiled sympathetically, "She doesn't know. She's an innocent in this. She has memories of her life. She doesn't know that she's not your sister."  
  
Spike watched as the man's eyes glazed over and heard his heart stop. Looking at Buffy he saw that her eyes were filled with tears, but she seemed beyond crying. Spike moved away from the body and wrapped his arms around the Slayer, who suddenly seemed so very small to carry the burden she always carried.  
  
Buffy clung to him as though she would never let go. She couldn't cry she was in too much shock. Dawn, her baby sister, how could she not have always been there. She remembered so many things, the time that Dawn had cried because one of her porcelain figures had been broken in the move, the time that she had cut her knee when learning to ride a bike.how could those things not have.not she couldn't think about these things. She didn't need to. But she needed him, she needed him desperately to hold her. Buffy felt him rock her, kissing her hair, telling her that he loved her. She just hid her face in his coat. 


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Absolutely nothing.  
  
Thank you to everyone who has reviewed, they make me write faster. I appreciate everyone's input and I like people's ideas. Keep 'em comin'.  
  
Spike had almost had to carry Buffy back to her house. At first, she had this look, like she wasn't there. As soon as Buffy heard her mother and her 'sister' inside she had snapped out of it. "Spike, I need you to do me a favour, okay."  
  
"Right, Slayer, what do you need me to do."  
  
Buffy looked at her watch, "I need to you to call Giles and tell him to come round here in two hours. Everyone will be in bed, so he can't knock. Tell him to come to the door at eleven thirty and I'll be there to open the door."  
  
Spike nodded, "Right pet. I'll make sure that he's here. And Slayer," Buffy turned to face him. "She's still you're sister. You're just even more than that now; she's you. You love her, and you need to protect her. And if you need me I'll be here to protect her, just like I'd protect you."  
  
Buffy had silent tears streaming down her face as Spike turned away, "Spike?" As soon as Spike turned around he felt a pair of arms go around his neck. Without thinking, he kissed her back. He felt her run her hands up and down his back, pulling away before things went any further, she lay her forehead against his, "Thanks Spike. You wont tell any one will you."  
  
It wasn't a question and before he could reply, she was heading through her front door smiling slightly at him over her shoulder.  
  
"Hello, Magic Box."  
  
Giles had, had a very rough day. It had been like a railway station in there. He had been reduced to hiring Anya, simply because she could handle it so much better than he could. He had a horrible feeling that this phone call was going to be something else he couldn't be bothered to deal with, "Watcher," oh god he was right. "You need to go round to the Slayer's house tonight, she needs to see you."  
  
Giles felt his heart leap into his throat, "God, is she all right has something happened?"  
  
"Calm down Watcher, you'll give yourself a coronary. There's nothing wrong, but she needs to see you. Go round in about an hour and a half, at half eleven. Don't knock on the door you'll just wake up everyone. She'll be ready to open the door to you."  
  
Something occurred to Giles, "Why are you delivering this message?"  
  
Spike felt suddenly irritated. That question had come to mind? "I was there when the thing that Buffy need to tell you about happened. Just be there, she made me promise to call you."  
  
Giles nodded although he knew that Spike couldn't see him, "Of course I'll be there. Thank you Sp." Before Giles could finish, Spike had hung up.  
  
Buffy had felt the need to make up with Dawn even though she never would have done in the past. She felt strangely closer to her; she wanted to be close to her. Now she was trying to explain everything to Giles, at least the parts that she understood. "And she has no idea?"  
  
No, Dawn didn't have any idea. And she must not know, she must never know. And this thing, this woman, was so powerful; she had been able to take both Buffy and Spike. She knew that she was talking to Giles but she didn't really seem to be know what she was saying. She needed Giles to take control, she felt so lost she didn't know how to take control. Sometimes it felt like there was such a weight on her shoulders making her so tired, how was she supposed to deal with this, what was she meant to do? Thank fully he did, "We need to find out who this woman is and what she needs Dawn for." He looked at Buffy, "I mean if she comes after you."  
  
Buffy looked up the stairs towards her sisters bedroom, "She'll come.she'll come for us."  
  
Spike was tempted to go back round to see Buffy. She had been so upset; he could only imagine how she felt. Despite their recent arguments, Spike could remember how close they ad been. He had even kidnapped Dawn once to use as a bargaining chip to get Buffy to.no, no he hadn't. That was the point, he hadn't. He hadn't done any of it. But, there was more that Buffy hadn't done with her sister. He just didn't really want to leave her alone. Giles would have left by now, and she would be alone.no she wouldn't. Spike grabbed his duster and headed for the door.  
  
Buffy dragged her tired body up the stairs and stopped holding the tears in. She couldn't grasp it; her mind couldn't grasp it. Buffy stopped by Dawn's door and glanced in, no.Dawn might not have always been there, but as far as she was concerned, Dawn was her sister, no she was more than that. Dawn was a part of her. She was going to protect her sister. She couldn't stop the tears though. She was sorry for Dawn as well. Dawn, a fourteen year old who was always going to be different, Buffy knew what that was like. The Slayer stripped down to her underwear and crawled into bed, she felt alone. She cried into her pillow.  
  
Spike climbed the tree outside Buffy's window, he could hear her crying, he was tempted to knock but decided not to. He slid the window up and climbed through the space silently. Spike walked towards the bed, Buffy was facing away from the window, and Spike touched her shoulder.  
  
Buffy knew it was he as soon as he touched her. She turned over and wiped furiously at her eyes. Spike took her hands. He wrapped his arms around her waist and held her. Buffy cried. She wasn't sure why, but she wasn't afraid to cry. Why did it feel like this? Why did it feel so different? It didn't feel like this with Riley? She couldn't let go with him; she felt like she had to look after Riley all the time, she didn't feel like that with Spike. Buffy turned her head and kissed Spike, she knew what she was doing. She was kissing him on her bed in the middle of the night, she knew what she was telling him and she did want to, she wanted him. She wanted him so badly that it almost hurt her. Spike pulled away from her, "I only came round to see if you were okay Slayer, see if you needed me. I'm sorry pet, I didn't mean to take advantage."  
  
Spike stood up and started towards the window, but Buffy caught his hand, "Spike don't go, I do need you." Buffy pulled him back and put his arm back around her waist.  
  
Spike wasn't sure that he had heard her correctly. Why would she want him, she was the Slayer one of the purest beings on this planet, why would she want him? "Are you sure about this?"  
  
Buffy nodded and stood on the bed pulling him to her and kissing him. Buffy was sure about this she knew what she wanted. Slipping her legs around his waist he held her as she rubbed her hands down his back, she wanted this; she wanted him.  
  
Spike woke the next morning early at about four thirty am. The sunrise had disturbed his sleep. He was trying to figure out what to do about it, it was rising in about twenty minutes, but he felt the tiny blonde mortal beside stirring, she was lying with one leg draped across him and both arms pressed to his chest as he held her. Spike felt her move, she was awake, he could tell by her heartbeat. She was going to throw him out, he could se it coming, she was going to come to her senses and kick him out. Spike heard her heart beating even faster, an obvious sign of panic, he closed his eyes, he wanted to hold onto this feeling for as long as possible. Instead of waking him up though, she was creeping out of bed. Spike opened his eyes a crack and saw Buffy pulled the blinds shut. Spike felt as though his heart had jumped to his throat, Buffy crawled back into bed beside him and snuggled against his side falling asleep again quickly. Spike wrapped his arms back around her again and kissed her. 


	8. Chapter 8

I own nothing. All character and script text belongs to Joss Whedon and co.  
  
Again thanks to my reviewers. I will keep updating as often as possible though it's usually during the week, as I can't access a computer during the weekend. Will usually do major updates on Monday's though.  
  
Buffy woke around ten thirty. But she didn't want to wake up; she wanted to stay like this. She wasn't ready to get up and face the world; she liked it where she was. She liked it with Spike and boy was he good in bed, with the.and the.and that thing he could do with his.Well that wasn't the point. She was going to have to move. She was hungry.  
  
Spike felt Buffy wriggle but instead of letting her go he pinched her on the ass first. Buffy turned around and smiled, "I didn't know that you were awake."  
  
"Course, pet. You're heart speeds up when you wake up, I can tell."  
  
"Hah! I woke up before and you didn't notice."  
  
Spike knew that she was referring to when she had gotten up to close the curtains, he pointed at them, "Considerate of you pet."  
  
Buffy's eyes widened a little, "You really do notice."  
  
Spike pulled her back onto the bed, "I always notice." Buffy didn't hesitate to return the kiss that Spike planted on her lips. She was about to get back underneath the covers when the phone rang, "Sorry, I have to get it, I don't know if Dawn's still in."  
  
Buffy grabbed her robe and ran down the stairs, "Hello?"  
  
"Hey Buffy."  
  
Buffy smiled, "Hey Will. What's up?"  
  
"What? Did you forget? We're mean to be helping you to move out of the dorm and back into your mom's permanently. You did forget huh?"  
  
"Yeah. But it's no problem, I'll just get dressed and meet you there in an hour."  
  
"Okay Buff. Dawn was dropped off here this morning, by your mom, who said she was feeling better by the way. Anyway, Dawn said that shed help us out. So that makes, me, you, Xander, Anya, Giles, Dawn, Tara oh and of course Riley."  
  
Buffy felt her stomach clench, oh god Riley! What was she going to do? She had deliberately not thought about it. She hadn't wanted to think about it. She had wanted to be with Spike. She had.oh god.she had cheated on Riley. And technically, she was cheating on Spike with Riley if she saw him today. What was she going to do? "Will, I'll see you in an hour okay?"  
  
"Yeah sure Buff."  
  
Buffy put the phone down and headed back upstairs to the bathroom.  
  
Buffy went back into her room. Spike held out his hand and she took it without thinking. He pulled her down onto the bed and kissed her, but she pulled away. "Spike I need to talk to you."  
  
Spike heard the seriousness in her voice; whatever had been said over the phone had effected her, "What's wrong pet?"  
  
"I'm kinda moving back into well.here. With mom being sick, I need to be here and now with Dawn.well I need to be here. And we're all going over to the dorm to move me out."  
  
Spike could see that she was trying to say something and she didn't seem to be able to get it out, "Buffy, what are we getting around to here pet?"  
  
Buffy squirmed, "Well I need everyone's help, Dawn, Willow, Giles.and Riley."  
  
Spike stiffened. He had almost seen this coming. He had no idea how to deal with this, but at the mention of Riley's name, he had the sudden urge to vamp out and growl 'your mine'. And yet, he didn't feel that he could call that, he wanted to, he wanted to make this tiny blonde mortal 'his', but he didn't know if she would let him. Spike climbed out of bed and grabbed his jeans, "It's okay then, I'll just get out of your hair."  
  
Buffy felt guilt stab her, "I'm sorry Spike. But what am I meant to say, 'Hey sorry Riley but I have to spend the day with my lover'?  
  
Spike stood and looked at her, he still had to shirt on and Buffy was trying desperately to not look, "Is that what I am pet? Your lover? Your bit on the side?"  
  
Buffy didn't know what to say, "I didn't mean for it to come out like that but what do you want me to say? I know that I feel something here but it's just."  
  
Spike's heart sank, "What pet? Not good enough for you? I had the feeling."  
  
"No that's not what I mean.meant." Buffy hesitated for a second trying to find the right words, "Riley is everything I've ever wanted, a nice, normal, guy. Someone who I can be real with because he is real, he isn't something belonging to the world I have to live in."  
  
Spike walked over to her and ran a hand over her breast, "Is that really enough for you pet, 'nice.normal'? Is that all you need? I don't think that he really is enough? I don't think that he is all you need. I could tell last night, the way we were, touching you were getting something that you don't get with him."  
  
"I don't know, God I'm not ready to deal with this not this too. I.I'm sorry, I feel something for you but I just don't know if I can deal with this. It's just.it's a little too uh right now."  
  
Spike felt sympathy for her, she didn't need him pushing her with everything else she had do deal with, her mom, her sister, "Look Slayer. I don't care what tell Riley, but you can come to me and I won't say anything. You can come to me and I'll be there for everything. Including an incredible night like last night, but if you let him touch you, it's over I can't handle that. I wont share you."  
  
Buffy looked at Spike, he still wanted her, still loved her? He said that he would wait, but Riley.how would she explain her not wanting him? "How do I explain?"  
  
"Not my issue pet. If you want to call it off completely fine. I don't want you to, but if that's your choice otherwise, I'll wait and still be here, but you don't sleep with him. What do you say? For now at least?"  
  
Buffy didn't know what to say, what was she meant to say? Spike was practically offering to start a.a what? She didn't want to think too much about that, though she did know what he actually meant. The idea of starting an affair made her stomach turn. She wouldn't choose she couldn't but she didn't know if she could do without Spike not after.what had happened. And how would she explain to Riley how she went off him? God this was making her head spin. Buffy took a deep breath and looked at Spike. She wasn't going to lose him, but if she chose him she'd have to give up all pretence at a normal life, she wasn't going to do that either. She couldn't she wasn't ready. Buffy nodded. Spike didn't seem happy but resigned as he nodded too and pulled her against him kissing her. Stopping any thoughts going through her head she returned the kiss. Spike slipped her robe off her shoulders and kissed her neck and throat. Buffy was late for meeting the guys. 


	9. Chapter 9

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Everything, including any stolen text belongs to Joss Whedon and all at ME.  
  
Brief note to say thank you to all the people out there who have been really good and reviewed my story. Keep 'em coming, they make me write faster. To elven-princess88 thanks for letting me know about the punctuation, still trying to figure out exactly how to make this site work for me.  
  
God, Dawn only had to be out of her sight for like thirty seconds and she started to hyperventilate. This morning when they had been moving she had nearly given the game away by freaking out when Dawn was out of the room.  
  
Buffy also had major guilt. It was Tara's birthday tomorrow and she had no idea what to get for the blond witch. What did one buy for someone they didn't know that well? Whoa hold on 'what did ONE buy. . .?' she was spending too much time around Giles. Didn't solve her problem though. Buffy walked down the street, to home. She wanted o check on Dawn. God she was becoming obsessive, and after that well. . . she didn't know. Maybe she'd do a patrol and if that patrol happened to take her past Spike's crypt? Well accidents happened. Buffy groaned; she felt so unbelievably guilt. When Riley had touched her back today she had practically jumped away from him. She had seen hurt flash on his face and then anger. She didn't want to hurt him, she just. . .well she just couldn't seem to stop herself from wanting to see Spike again.  
  
It felt like she hadn't seen him in ages, and it had only been this morning.  
  
Buffy opened the door and could practically feel her boyfriend's presence, the human one. "Riley?"  
  
Riley trotted down the stairs, my obedient little boyfriend thought Buffy, "Hey. Just unpacked the rest of your stuff. Wouldn't even know that you ever left."  
  
Buffy smiled, "Thanks your sweet."  
  
"No I'm not, I like it when you owe me favours."  
  
Riley slipped his arms around her waist and pulled her body to his and Buffy felt her self tense up. Spike had only given her this one condition and she could understand where he was coming from. As Willow had said once he wasn't exactly 'Joe restraint' the idea to Riley touching her must be pretty much unbearable to him. She tried not to make her obvious dodge too obvious as she pushed Riley away, "Well I can't pay you back just yet, Dawn is in the house and she doesn't need that kind of emotional scarring."  
  
Unfortunately Riley had noticed and with a frown on his face looked about to start something when Dawn came walking past. Buffy flashed Riley an I- told-you-so look, thanking God, or monks, for her sister, "See you later."  
  
Buffy's relief disappeared, "Whoa, whoa where do you think you're going?"  
  
Dawn looked at Buffy like she had either gone insane or grown another head; "I'm going to Melinda's for dinner"  
  
"Since when?"  
  
Dawn smiled, "Nowish."  
  
Buffy felt her heart clench. Dawn was planning on going somewhere without family or Scoobies? No, she couldn't. Buffy wouldn't be able to stop worrying, "You can't. It's not safe for you to walk there."  
  
Dawn felt Buffy's big sister mode flick on, "It's across the street. What's the big deal? I'm just going to go. . ."  
  
"NO. It's family night. Besides Melinda's a bad influence I don't like you hanging out with someone that. . . " Buffy didn't know what to say. Melinda was a nice kid, "Short."  
  
Dawn glared at her sister, "I'm so glad that you're moving back into the house. This is the source of my gladness."  
  
Riley was looking at Buffy very strangely. He was going to ask her what all that had been about and she couldn't tell him. Yet another thing to be insecure about. Though as Spike pointed out he did have a reason to be insecure. Buffy was sleeping with the undead. . . again.  
  
Glory just wouldn't have it. She wouldn't, she wouldn't, she wouldn't. Some puny little things interfering. Glory threw another show at the layofft demon she had caught before. She was waiting for him to wake up and he was being annoyingly uncooperative. Carefully aiming this time she threw the next show at the side of his head. That did it, "Finally I thought tat you were going to nap the whole day away." The demon struggle in his chains but Glory knew that he wasn't going anywhere, "Stop whining. You know I remember when the layoffts were a proud warrior race not sneaking around hospitals looking for weak sickly typed to suck the bone marrow from."  
  
The demon grunted something unfriendly but she carried on anyway. " I need info and then I need you to deal with a problem. Blond, short, strong for a human. A girl. There was a vampire with her. Also blond, I mean icky. What is it with everyone wanting to be blond?"  
  
The demon grunted something else. "A slayer? Please don't tell me that I was fighting a vampire slayer. . . wait. If she's a vampire slayer, what was she doing with a vampire? Aren't they meant to kill those things?"  
  
The demon crept through the sewers. He really didn't feel like killing the Slayer, or William the Bloody. But that woman, that God would kill him if he didn't. Way more slowly and painfully than the Slayer would.  
  
  
  
Riley had gone off in a huff. He was doing that a lot lately. Buffy felt guilty. She had been doing that a lot lately too. They were meeting at the Magic Shop, to research the demon woman. Buffy had brought Dawn with her, she had felt guilty about not letting her go at the same time as feeling justified. It really wasn't safe for Dawn. She just couldn't explain why.  
  
Buffy could also tell that something was wrong with Willow. She hated it when her best friend was down, it was like it was catching or something. Se always felt down when Willow was and she knew that Willow felt the same. Buffy was sure that it had something to do with Tara and her somewhat unconventional family that had shown up this morning. There was something off about them. They were, well, they were. . . Buffy didn't now what they were. But if they were the reason tat Willow was upset, they had better watch their backs; they wouldn't like a pissed off Slayer.  
  
Tara stood at the entrance to the park with tears streaming down her face. She wasn't evil. She couldn't help being a demon but she wasn't evil. Was she? Beth was right. She had put a spell on them, her friends. People that she cared about, and Willow. She had just wanted them not to see the demon part of her. She didn't want them to see the demon in her. She didn't want them to see. . .Tara felt her mind race away somewhere in front without her. Not see demons? Oh God. What the hell had she been thinking? What if they were attacked, what if they got hurt, what if . . . Willow? Willow! Tara began to run. It didn't mater if they saw it. Se had to go and take the spell off of them. They could die.  
  
Spike was lonely, he had gotten rid of Harmony, and she really didn't do it for him anymore now that he'd had his Slayer. She was boring dull and annoyed the hell out of him now. Well, she had annoyed the hell out of him before but she had been getting worse. Spike grabbed his duster and headed for the Magic Box. Maybe the Slayer would be there and he could quite openly stare at her making her blush in that ever so cute little way of hers. God he loved her. If soldier boy were there. . . he'd just deal. After all, the Slayer wanted him, now. He had felt it when she touched him. He just hoped that she would hurry up and see that she didn't really need that normal life that's she had been desperately clinging to. There was nothing do great about normal. Now Spike just needed to prove it to her.  
  
Buffy was stretching out in the back room as the others read. She had been quite prepared to help but Giles had insisted. She had been a little bruised from last night and Giles wanted to make sure that se didn't need treatment for any sprains. Buffy punched the bag but stopped at a twinge of pain, and then something else caught her attention. She turned around checking to see if Giles had come in. She could swear that there was someone else in the room with her. She could feel them. Thinking that she been imagining it Buffy turned back to the punch bag.  
  
Her block was automatic and swift as something grabbed her throat, "Giles! There's something in here!"  
  
But Giles couldn't get to her. He pushed Dawn under the desk and stood guard as he watched Xander wrestle with nothing in the doorway.  
  
Spike came through the door to see his Slayer being attacked. He thought that maybe he'd watch her fight. She would win, they were only layoft demons. Nothing to demanding, but for some reason every single one of the Slayers attacks and counters was off. Spike threw himself in to lend a hand. After all watching her fight got him going. Watching her lose was not on the agenda. Spike watched as the Slayer fought and still kept missing, it was like she was blind, she didn't even look straight at him when she had thrown the demon off, just glanced around the room and ran next door. Spike sulked for a second giving a peevish, "Your welcome." Before a punch to the face brought him back to the present.  
  
Buffy stood in the centre of the Magic Box listening. They seemed to be everywhere and nowhere. She heard the door open and whipped round to see Tara, "Buffy behind you!"  
  
Buffy felt an arm grip her round the throat although she was able to thro it off, "Tara where is it? Can you see it?"  
  
Tara stood in the centre of the room, "Blind Kadria lift your veil give evil form to break my spell."  
  
Buffy felt a jolt go through her and suddenly she saw them, ugly demons, she ran at one as it knocked Tara to the floor.  
  
  
  
Fortunately once Buffy could actually see them they didn't seem to be up to much. Disposing of them quickly and taking note of Spike's presence coming in from the back room Buffy turned to Tara. "Care to explain Tara?"  
  
Buffy voice stopped being hard at the tears on Tara's face. "I'm sorry, I'm s s s so sorry. I was trying to hide. I didn't want you to see, what I am."  
  
Willow put her hand on Tara's arm, "Tara what?  
  
Buffy looked at her in confusion, "What do you mean 'what you are'?"  
  
Tara's father stopped forward when Tara didn't answer, "Demon. The women in our family have demon in them. Her mother had it. That's where the magic comes from. We came to take her home before. . . well before things like this started happening."  
  
Buffy laughed internally and caught Spike's eye seeing a smirk on his face, the guy was a bit late to stop demons attacking. Her attention was regained by Giles quick deduction and explanation, "You cast a spell on us to keep us from seeing your demon side that's why we couldn't see our attackers."  
  
Buffy looked at her sister, as if Dawn didn't have enough to deal with, "Nearly got us killed."  
  
Tara took in the looks and stood, "I'll go. I'm very sorry."  
  
Willow looked at Buffy in positive panic; practically begging her to stop this from happening, "Wait go? She just did a spell that went wrong it was just a mistake."  
  
Tara's father didn't seem to agree and in fact as far as Buffy could tell, he really wanted to take Tara home, "It's not the point and it's not your concern. She belongs with us, we know how to control her problem."  
  
Willow was now crying as she looked at the blond witch and Buffy felt her heart clench, she couldn't let this happen to Willow, "Tara look at me. I trusted you more than anyone in my life. Was all that just a lie?"  
  
Tara gripped Willow's hand, "NO."  
  
"Do you wanna leave?"  
  
Tara father took a step forward, as did Spike. That guy was giving off a vibe. He wasn't going anywhere near the Slayer or the Scoobies she seemed to care about so much, "It's not your decision young lady. . ."  
  
Spike took another step forward, Willow was giving off pain and that was never good with a witch, "I KNOW THAT." Willow turned back to Tara, "Do you wanna leave?"  
  
Tara crying more steadily now shook her head. But that was not what her father wanted to see, "You're going to do what's right Tara. Now I'm taking you out of here before somebody does get killed. The girl belongs with her family I hope that's clear to the rest of you."  
  
Buffy made a decision. She trusted Willow, and she did trust Tara. She was not going to let this guy upset either of them anymore, "It is. You want her Mr McLay? You can go ahead and take her. You just gotta go through me."  
  
Tara looked up in shock. Buffy still wanted to know her after everything that Tara had done? Her father's face was reflecting equal horror. "What?!"  
  
"You heard me. You want to take Tara out of here against her will? You gotta go through me."  
  
Dawn went to stand by her sister's side wit a forceful, "And me."  
  
Tara cried even harder, "Is this a joke? I'm not going to be threatened by two little girls."  
  
Dawn glared at him, "You don't wanna mess with us."  
  
Buffy fought the urge to smile, "She's a hair puller."  
  
Spike stepped forward, until he was behind Buffy, "So why don't you sod off mate. I don't thing your taking the chit anywhere."  
  
Buffy was grateful for Spike's comment, it showed her that he really would care about something if she did.  
  
Xander spoke for the first time adding his two cents, "You're dealing with all of us. Good luck."  
  
The man on the step seemed to expand with rage, "This is insane you people have no right to interfere with Tara's affairs. We are her blood kin! Who the hell are you?"  
  
Buffy squeezed Spike's hand. No one in the shop could see but he felt it. "We're family." 


	10. Chapter 10

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Quoting another writer, "I use them in my fantasies and sometimes for chores."  
  
Again, I wanted to thank all those who have reviewed since the last update. I know I didn't update at all over the weekend, though I said I wouldn't be doing. I hope to get quite a few chapters out this week.  
  
Tara's birthday party had been good. Especially once Spike's punch in the face had clarified, that Tara really wasn't a demon, it was just a sick and twisted family legend. After much coaxing Spike had agreed to come to the party. Most of the gang actually joined in with the coaxing. Dawn had just been so pleased that he had proven Tara's non-demony ways that she had started it. Buffy hadn't said much but she had nodded at him, subtly. Willow seemed in the mood to do anything for him. She had been almost as vehement as Dawn in her asking, insisting that he really should be there after all it was only because of him that they weren't still dealing with Tara's parents.  
  
Buffy watched as Tara unwrapped her presents. She couldn't believe that Dawn had gotten her a broomstick. Oh well. At least Tara had gotten something nice from Buffy. Anya had gotten a shipment in of statues and Giles had sold one of the more elusive ones to her cheap. She could tell that her Watcher was dreading the ex-demon's response when she fou. . . Buffy thought's came to a halt at the feel of someone slipping his or her hand into hers. For a second she thought it was Spike and her heart leapt but it was too warm for Spike, she turned around right into the arms of Riley who hugged her. Buffy was shocked. She had been sure that he would still be angry with her. If she had thought that Riley would show up, she would certainly not have invited Spike. "You came."  
  
Riley rubbed her back, "Of course I came. It's a big night I didn't wanna miss it."  
  
Buffy let herself be kissed and hugged trying to relax into Riley's touch. Unfortunately, she saw Spike over Riley's shoulder and saw a flash of hurt before he covered it. Buffy wanted to go and tell him that she was sorry but she couldn't. She knew that she couldn't.  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------  
  
Buffy had lost. She was going to die. She knew it; her time was up. The next Slayer would be called in her place. She had gotten careless; she had slipped up. Now there was a stake, her stake, embedded in her stomach, and she would either bleed to death or the vampire would kill her. In a way, she hoped that it would be the last one; she wanted to die like a slayer. Buffy could feel herself drifting into unconsciousness, as the vampire came towards her, she opened her eyes as the demon reached for her. The next thing she saw was something with black nails grab the thing by the throat, "You get you're filthy hands away from my Slayer."  
  
Buffy watched as Spike squeezed until the vampires head came away from its body, "Spike. . . I got careless. . . Help me. . ."  
  
Spike slipped his arm around her back, "Don't you worry pet I know where we can go." Lifting her easily, they set off across the cemetery.  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------  
  
Buffy didn't know what had happened. She didn't remember anything past being picked up by Spike. She had buried her face in the leather of his duster and passed out. Why was she in a room filled with black and white candles? Why was she lying on a table? Where was Spike? And why was she not in pain?  
  
Buffy looked down at her shirt. There was blood staining it and a hole straight through it. Lifting it carefully, Buffy looked at her waist. There was not a mark on her. Buffy ran her hand over her abdomen as though to check that it was really hers. As soon as she realised that there was no wound anymore she swung her legs off the table and promptly fell over as a wave of dizziness hit her.  
  
Spike heard the thud and came running, "Buffy? Are you alright pet?"  
  
Buffy tried to focus on Spike's face, "Spike? Yeah, I think so. Just very, very dizzy. Where am I?"  
  
"Don't worry pet, you're still in Sunnydale. There's a healer, I know who lives here. Don't worry not of the evil variety."  
  
Buffy looked at him a little suspiciously, "Then how did you know him?"  
  
Spike smirked at her, "No fooling you is there pet. He's not evil but he isn't good either. He's a peaceful balancing demon. They donate their time to keeping the level between good and evil. With you being the main good in this town, you're not exactly expendable pet. I asked and he helped. Says he knew you'd be coming and that he would save you."  
  
Buffy was still not clear, "Did he say why?"  
  
Spike shrugged, he hadn't really cared why at the time, he had just thought she was going to die. He would have agreed to having his arms and legs cut off if the thing had said he'd help her in exchange, "He mumbled something about the apocalypse. The usual."  
  
Buffy nodded in understanding, "Another one to prevent huh?"  
  
Spike nodded and helped her to her feet, "You ready to go home pet?"  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------  
  
Spike had helped Buffy get home. According to him, the magic used to heal her would probably keep her subdued for a couple of hours yet. He tucked her into bed and kissed her forehead. "Night pet, when you get up tomorrow come and see me. We need to have a talk."  
  
Buffy reached out and grabbed his arm, "Spike. . ." Buffy was obviously half asleep, "Don't go; stay."  
  
Spike did not need telling twice. Kicking off his boots and duster her pulled the blinds to and curled his body around hers. He felt her sigh and drift to sleep. He stayed awake for a little while though. He had almost lost her tonight. She had been better than the vampire but she had still nearly died. It was what happened to all Slayers eventually. Spike tightened his arm around her; it wasn't going to happen to this one.  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------  
  
At around eight o'clock Spike heard Joyce moving around in the other room. Glancing towards the window and seeing the sun, he realised that he wasn't going to be able to go anywhere. He slipped out of the bed and sat on the chair by the dressing table. He stilled himself just as she entered. "Mornin' Joyce."  
  
Joyce took a second to register the vampire sat in her daughters' bedroom. "Spike? What are you doing here?"  
  
Spike turned on his acting skills, "Found our little Slayer on patrol last night, got herself hurt. Any way sorted her out and brought her home. Guy I took her to said that she shouldn't be left alone. Concussion you know."  
  
Joyce paled, "She got hurt? Was it serious does she need a doctor? Is she okay?"  
  
Spike cursed himself, of course the woman was going to worry, this was her daughter, "Yeah she got hurt, no it wasn't serious, the guy I took her to is better than a doctor, and yes she's okay. She just needed someone to stay, and I didn't want to wake up the house hold."  
  
Joyce seemed to relax minutely, "Oh. Well in that case thank you. You didn't have to do it but I still appreciate it. Would you like some coffee?" A twinkle came to the older woman's eye, "Or some hot chocolate, it's like night to you isn't it?"  
  
Spike nodded, "It is that. Unfortunately, I can't go home suns up."  
  
"Well come and have some hot chocolate and marshmallows, and I'll make you up a cot in the basement for you."  
  
Spike smiled and follow the woman out of the room, she really was nice. He liked the older Summers very much and despite the cot being, well. . . unnecessary he made it up with her and after some hot chocolate, lay down. He might be able to get an hour or two, he didn't want to risk being caught in Buffy's room again especially with the little bit around.  
  
Spike felt his throat contract as he thought about last night again. She had almost died. Why had she been alone? Where was the twit she called her boyfriend? God, if he had been there he might have been of some use. Instead she had nearly died. Spike refused to let that happen to her. He wasn't going to lose her, especially not before he had her. She was still clinging to soldier boy and that concept of a 'normal life', she didn't seem to realise that she was never going to be happy with him. He wouldn't let her be her. Spike turned over, he had agreed to wait. He almost wished that he hadn't. Seeing her in the arms of the idiot had hurt, he knew that she had kept her promise though. She hadn't slept with him. Spike would have been able to tell in a second. She would have to choose soon though; he couldn't keep this up forever.  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------  
  
Buffy felt the stake plunge into her again. She fell and bled. She cried out for Spike but he didn't come, she could hear him speaking, but the words were only slowly becoming clear, " . . . You can't keep him at a distance. He'll go. But you won't have me . . .You want this Slayer. You need this."  
  
Buffy didn't understand him, "Spike help me please. . ."  
  
Spike wasn't anywhere that she could see but she could still hear him, " . . . keep him at a distance. He'll go. But you won't have me . . .You want this Slayer. You need this."  
  
Buffy woke with a jump her hand flying to her stomach. Buffy tried to recall all the details of her nightmare. He hadn't been able to help her. Why? She didn't remember. She wasn't even sure she knew. She sat up and looked around for Spike. For a second she thought that he had gone and left her but she saw his boots on the floor and calmed. Grabbing her robe she headed down stairs.  
  
Looking around she couldn't see him. After she had been through the whole house, she opened the door to the basement. Taking a step down she saw him lying on a makeshift bed. Smiling to herself, she crept down the stairs. Curling up by his side, she sighed. She liked it here, with him.  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------  
  
Spike smiled to himself. She had fallen asleep almost as soon as her head touched the pillow. Wrapping an arm around her, he held her tight. God he loved her. He loved her enough to tell her. To risk her disgust and revulsion. He had to tell her about the other Slayers. Maybe he could help her. 


	11. Chapter 11

Disclaimer: I own nothing; "I use them all in fantasies and sometimes for chores," (Quoting Nauti Bitz)  
  
Thanks to every one out there who has reviewed my story. Really appreciate it, you light up my day. He he. I know it's been kinda slow lately. I've been taking exams. They're all coming, I promise.  
  
Buffy crept out a few hours later and headed for the Magic Box. She was going to have to tell her Watcher eventually and now was the time. The only person she was dreading telling more than Giles was Xander, he was going to go ballistic. Buffy pushed open the door and called out, "Giles?"  
  
Buffy thought for a second that he wasn't there and relief washed over her until she saw his head appear from under the counter, "Buffy, good. I wanted to talk to you about maybe improving our training regime. I think we need to try more on concentration." Giles noticed the look on her face, "Buffy what's wrong? Did something happen? Is Dawn all right?"  
  
Buffy indicated the chair at the table and her Watcher came and sat down next to her without hesitation. "Giles . . . Dawn is fine." Buffy didn't know exactly how to phrase this, "I had an accident last night. I was fighting with a vamp and I had an accident."  
  
Giles had gone very pale, "What happened?"  
  
"I let my guard down. I slipped up and the thing staked me." Buffy hesitated blushing furiously, "With my own stake."  
  
Giles stood and automatically cleaned his glasses, "How did you get away?"  
  
Buffy took a deep breath and closed her eyes, she really did not what to talk about this with her Watcher, "It was Spike, he came along and killed the vamp and helped me."  
  
Giles worry seemed to turn rather quickly to suspicion, "Were you badly hurt? If so he'd more likely want to kill you than help you."  
  
"I would have died Giles," the older man stopped pacing and looked at her in horror. "It wasn't like it slashed my arm or something. It stabbed me deep in the stomach and I would have died, but . . ."  
  
Before Buffy could continue Giles threw his arms around the tiny Slayer and hugged her, "Thank God he was there. Why didn't you call me from the hospital? I would have been there straight away."  
  
Buffy hugged him for a second and then spoke again, "I didn't go to the hospital."  
  
Giles went back to looking confused "But weren't you in need of medical attention?"  
  
Buffy gave a small chuckle, "Just a little. Spike took me to see a guy. He said that the guy was a balancing demon. Whatever kind of demon it was it healed me."  
  
Giles could see something in Buffy's face, "Why would Spike choose to help you when you weren't, I assume, up to offering him payment?"  
  
Buffy took a very deep breath, "Well . . . you have to promise that you wont freak out," Giles nodded and Buffy tried to calm herself a little, "Well . . . Spike is in love with me."  
  
Giles sat, or rather collapsed, into his chair in shock. Buffy closed her eyes unconsciously expecting a shouting match to start. If she had wanted one she would have been disappointed. Her watcher seemed to be absolutely paralysed by what she had just told him. It took the older man a few seconds to say anything, "Well . . . Spike? Spike! In love. . . with you? Are you sure? How could . . . This is . . . Oh dear God . . .Vampires can't feel love."  
  
Buffy cut her Watcher off, "Look I know that this is kind of weird and I get that. But Spike says that he is in love with he and me has not given me any reason to doubt his sincerity on that account. Saving my life goes right to the top of the list of proof. Vampires might not usually be able to feel love, but none of us can deny that he's a very unconventional vampire."  
  
Something in Buffy's tone stopped Giles, "What are you. .? Are you saying . . . Buffy, do you have feelings for him?"  
  
Buffy cringed; she was trying to phrase it in her head to not sound too bad. Like it or not she was about to tell her Watcher that she ahs feelings for yet another vampire, this time one that didn't have anything resembling a soul. "I don't know exactly what I feel but I, yes I do feel something."  
  
"Buffy he's a demon. How can you . . ." Giles' voice trailed off and Buffy knew that he was thinking about Angel, and how that situation had gone.  
  
Buffy stood and paced a little, "I know that this is a lot to absorb. I . . . It's not like he has a soul to lose. Not that . . .Giles." Buffy took a breath and knelt in front of her Watcher, her father, "Whatever I feel for Spike, I'm with Riley. I need him. He's everything I have ever wanted. A normal guy."  
  
Giles knew that he should say something. He had wanted to talk to Buffy about this for months. Her treatment of Riley. She might need him, but . . . over the past few months Giles had doubted whether or not she truly loved him. Even now. Giles wasn't sure whether or not to bring it up. Whether Buffy loved the soldier or not, there was no doubt that he loved her, and that Buffy clung to him. What if that was enough? For both of them? Then again, from what Buffy was saying now, it would appear not. Whether Buffy knew it or not, she was pulling away from Riley. Slowly and probably painfully for the boy, but she was pulling away none the less.  
  
  
  
Buffy sat with Spike at the Bronze. She had a feeling that he was trying to work himself up to telling her something. She could tell that he was nervous. This was his fourth beer and his hands were still shaking, "You know there are quite a few American beers that are highly underrated. This unfortunately is not one of them."  
  
Buffy reached across the table and took one of his hands, "Hello? We didn't come here to discuss the fine choice of hops. You wanted to talk to me about something. I get the feeling that it's quite important and that you're nervous. Don't be. Just tell me."  
  
Spike smiled at her, perceptive little chit. He was nervous. She might hate him after tonight. But it didn't change the fact that he had to tell her. It might help to save her life. " Wanted to tell you pet. . . about the slayers."  
  
Buffy frowned slightly, "What do you mean?"  
  
"I mean the two that I killed pet."  
  
Buffy felt her stomach clench. She didn't want to know about this. She didn't want to hear. Not after last night. Didn't he understand that? "Spike. . . I don't want to talk about. . . that. It was nearly me last night. I can't. . . "  
  
Spike took both of her hands in his, "I have to tell you because you have to know. This isn't something that you can hide from. Last night you slipped up ad made a careless mistake, I know that. But sooner you later you . . ." Spike voice trailed off for a second, "Sooner or later you'll become like them."  
  
Buffy didn't understand, "You mean I'll die? I know that. But someday, a long time from now please."  
  
Spike gripped her hands tighter, "I don't mean you'll die pet. I mean; you'll want to." Buffy looked at him in confusion, but he just ran his thumbs over her hands, "Just listen to me pet. I am begging you."  
  
Buffy was surprised at the seriousness of his tone, but she could see that this was important to him so she nodded.  
  
  
  
China. Boxer Rebellion.  
  
People were screaming outside. Spike could hear them, their pain. But it wasn't that that was his concern. The scent of their blood hung in the sir, but he barely noticed. It was the girl in front of him. Her blood was calling out to him. It was screaming louder than the people out side. Spike felt her fists and feet connecting with his body. She was small, but her attacks packed a punch that was unlike anything he'd ever felt before. He allowed her to beat him. He had to wait for his opening. Until the moment when her defences down. Unfortunately it didn't come. She did something worse. She cut open his face. With a growl Spike kicked and punched at the Slayer. She had come close to staking him moments before, and now she reached for her stake and Spike saw his moment. Grabbed her arm and wrenching it behind her he sank his fangs into the column of her throat. The blood that washed through his mouth sent him high almost immediately. There was unbelievable power in it. He turned the girl round. She spoke in what was obviously Chinese, but in reply Spike threw her to the floor and said, "Sorry love. I don't speak Chinese."  
  
Spike stood watching her for a few moments. He couldn't seem to take his eyes off of her. She was dead but she still seemed to radiate power. It was only the sound of his lover that drew him out f his reverie. "Oooh Spike, look at the wonderful mess you've made. That's a slayer you've done in. Naughty, wicked Spike."  
  
Spike was practically flying on the slayers blood and his own adrenalin as he walked over to the vampiress and put an arm round her waist, "Did you ever hear them say, 'The blood of a Slayer is a powerful aphrodesiac?' Here now have a taste."  
  
Drusilla licked Spike's hand, which was still covered in the blood from the Slayers throat. She moaned and gripped Spike's back.  
  
Spike threw her against one of the columns and pinning her arms above her head kissed her.  
  
Buffy felt as though she was going to be sick. She hadn't wanted to hear this at first in relation to herself. Now she wished she hadn't heard it because of him. She had known about it all before of course, but. . . the way he told it. . . he had gotten off on it. . . like the vampire almost had last night. Buffy stood and turned, "I. . . I. . . I'm sorry. . . I have to go."  
  
Buffy turned and ran. But Spike wasn't done yet. She had to know. He followed her outside. 


	12. Chapter 12

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. All the characters and the dialogue from the show are property of someone who isn't me.  
  
Thanks you, once again to all those have reviewed. It's nice to know that people actually read my story.  
  
Spike grabbed Buffy by the shoulders in the alley, "Spike . . . let me go."  
  
"No Slayer, you have to listen to me."  
  
Buffy turned around with tears streaming down her face, "Why? I don't want to hear this. I don't want to hear the details of how you killed my predecessors. I can't hear this."  
  
"Buffy, I know that you don't want to hear this. And I know that after this, you may hate me but it doesn't matter. I'm not the same person as I was then. I changed when I fell in love with you. I made a decision to change because I wanted to. And the reason I changed was you. I wont be selfish now. I will tell you this . . . even if you stake me afterwards."  
  
Buffy looked at the love and sincerity in Spike's eyes. The hands that were holding her now had once killed a Slayer, more than one. But now . . . now he was willing to risk his unlife to tell her this and help her, "Tell me then. Tell me about the second one. How did you kill her?"  
  
Spike took a deep breath, "Well it went like this . . ."  
  
1970's New York  
  
Spike felt his neck snap backwards with a force that would have snapped a human's neck. Spike was fighting her in a train carriage, the rocking motion was not helping his balance, but in turn it wasn't helping hers either. He braced his shoulder and punched for her face. Her head snapped backwards in turn. She kicked him but he blocked the attack and kicked her back. After a sharp snap to the head, he punched through the bar. A piece in the centre came away and he swung it.  
  
"Now the first one was all business, the second now she had a touch of your style. She was cunning, resourceful, I could've danced all night with that one."  
  
"You think we danced." Buffy knew the answer. Neither one of them had ever killed the other and it wasn't as though they hadn't had opportunities. All that they had ever done was dance.  
  
As though reading her mind Spike said, "That's all we've ever done."  
  
Buffy stood listening to Spike's voice as he reported this, there was no emotion in his voice. He picked up a stick from the floor and swung it round. Buffy felt like she was actually in the train car watching him do this. She could almost imagine the Slayer stood there fighting for her life.  
  
Spike lunged for the Slayer but she was too quick for him. They both hit the floor and she straddled his waist holding him by the throat.  
  
Spike swung the stick again and walked around her as though he was stalking her, "You see the thing about the dance is, you never get to stop. Everyday you wake up and it's the same bloody question that haunts you, 'is today the day I die'."  
  
The Slayer punched him in the face.  
  
"Death is on your heels baby and sooner or later it's going to catch you. It's up to each Slayer when. It doesn't catch you because you get weaker or because vampires get stronger, it happens because part of you wants it. Not just to stop the fear of uncertainty, but because you're just a little bit in love with it."  
  
Buffy stood there looking at him, but she wasn't really seeing him, she was seeing the Slayer poised above Spike, ready to kill him, what had changed? What had been different enough to mean that she didn't win?  
  
Spike had felt one last punch before hitting her knees toppling her balance and reversing their positions so that he was on top and he had his hands to her throat.  
  
What had been different enough to mean that she didn't win?  
  
As though he was reading her thoughts yet again, Spike answered her unanswered question, "Death is your art. You make it with your hands day after day. That final gasp, that look of peace, and part of you is desperate to know 'what is it like? Where does it lead you? You see, you must see, that's the secret, not the punches you land or the kicks you defend, she really wanted it. Every Slayer has a death wish."  
  
Spike snapped her neck, ignoring the look of horror on her face.  
  
"Even you. The only reason that you last and keep lasting is that you have so many ties to the world. Mum, brat kid sister, Scoobies, they all tie you here. They help to put off . . . the inevitable. Sooner or later, the second you let go of what matters to you, you'll want it, and the second, the second it happens, something'll be there, something'll slip in. Have itself a good day. You can't let that happen to you. I can see the way you're looking at me. I know what you think. But I had to tell you. I had to tell you what I've learnt. I will not stand by and watch you get careless again without knowing that I did everything I could to stop it, including risking your hatred. I love you. I love you more than I care about me, so if by you hating me, I save your life so be it."  
  
Buffy couldn't move, she was paralysed. She couldn't accept it. He was wrong, he had to be wrong. Slayers didn't develop a death wish, please God they didn't. Buffy tried to steady her breathing as she ignored the voice in the back of her head. The one whispering, that he wasn't wrong. The one that said she had felt it herself once or twice. When Angel had died, when he had left and when Giles had betrayed her. And Spike was right; the people she loved had saved her. She needed them. Buffy looked at Spike.  
  
Spike was expecting to feel a stake in his chest. He'd had to tell her. She had come so close to dying, he had come so close to losing her. It didn't matter if he couldn't have her in his life anymore; he'd had to save her. He'd had to try. He couldn't try to explain the repulsion he felt at the very memory of killing something so closely akin to her now. Ever since he fell in love with her he had known that he could live without killing ever again, he didn't need it. He needed to try to be worthy of her.  
  
What Spike didn't expect was to feel Buffy's arms slip around his neck. She was crying as she clung to him. He wrapped his arms around her tiny waist as she sank to the floor. She just sobbed and he held her, telling her how much he loved her as he kissed her neck.  
  
Buffy held her finger to her lips as Spike crept over the doorstep. "I have to go and say good night to Mom and then I'll be in okay. I make sure I make it clear that I'm tired and going to sleep."  
  
Spike slipped into her room like a blonde shadow. And she walked noisily into her mom's room to find her packing a suitcase, "Hey, I put together that grocery list for you."  
  
Joyce looked up and smiled, "Thanks hon."  
  
Buffy frowned slightly, "Are you okay?"  
  
"I'm fine. Have you seen my conditioner?"  
  
"Did you look under the sink?" Joyce smiled and slipped out of the room. Something in her mother's voice was making Buffy uncomfortable, "Are you going somewhere?"  
  
Joyce looked at her daughter, and Buffy read the signs of her mom trying to keep her expression cheerful, "I was hoping to put this off. You know the 'nothing' I've been dealing with for the past couple of weeks? It might not be 'nothing'."  
  
Buffy felt her heart drop to her stomach, "What's wrong."  
  
"I'm staying over night at the hospital for observation. I'm getting a CAT scan." Joyce took in the worry on her daughter's face, "I'm gonna be fine and the doctors say that even if there is something, it's still very early if they didn't see it before. I'm gonna be fine."  
  
Buffy felt her eyes fill with tears, "I know you will."  
  
Buffy slipped next door into her sister's room. She could tell by the expression on her Dawn's face that she already knew, "Mom wants us to stay here while she goes for her scan. What do you think?"  
  
Dawn smiled ever so slightly, "What do you think?"  
  
Buffy smiled back a little, "Be ready in ten minutes. She can't fight both of us."  
  
Buffy slipped through her door into the bedroom, "Spike?"  
  
Spike seemed to melt out of the shadows at the back of the room, "I'm here pet." Buffy started to speak but he cut her off, "Vampire love, I heard it all."  
  
He moved forward and held her for the second time that night as she cried, this time, Spike was sure that her heart was breaking. "I'm coming with you pet."  
  
Buffy looked up at him, "You will?"  
  
Spike smiled at her, "Of course. Better not come straight away though."  
  
Buffy gripped his shirt, "No . . . I need you to come with me."  
  
Spike stroked her hair, "I'll be at the hospital by the same time you are, but I think it's better if we don't have to explain what I'm doing at your house at this time of night."  
  
Buffy smiled, "Perhaps not. Meet us there?"  
  
Spike smiled back, "I'll be there."  
  
All though she was reluctant to leave, his arms Buffy grabbed some money and headed for the door. 


	13. Chapter 13

Disclaimer: I own nothing, (I'm running out of funny things to say).  
  
A quick point to the reviewer called Chris. He said something like; all the Spike and Buffy stories are taking space that could be used for Buffy and Xander stories. Here's a thought, off the top of my head, right out of the gate. If you don't like Buffy and Spike stories, STOP READING THEM!!  
  
Okay feeling better now. Thanks to everyone else out there who reviewed. This one's kinda long so get comfortable.  
  
Dawn was looking at the vampire seated at her side. He hadn't made anymore to attack either her or her sister and she had to admit, he was kinda cute. He had helped her when Buffy had been wigging out. Buffy was getting something to eat and she was starting to get antsy, "Spike?"  
  
Spike, pulled out of his thoughts of Buffy and Joyce and Dawn took a second to respond, "What nibblet?"  
  
"What is a cat scan exactly?"  
  
Spike fought the urge to try to comfort her somehow. She was so like Buffy. The innocent and young part of Buffy. He didn't want her to be hurt, he wanted to protect her from hurt, from this, "I don't really know pet."  
  
Dawn voice was starting to shake, "Where do they get the 'cat' scan from? I mean do they test it on cats. Or does the machine sortta look like a cat."  
  
Spike could smell the fear coming off her. She seemed so small. He reached out and slipped an arm around her shoulders. He hadn't really shown a human platonic affection in over a hundred years. But seeing how frightened she was he didn't bother with trying to be the big bad. He pulled the small girl towards him and she laid her head on his shoulder, allowing herself to be comforted.  
  
Buffy smiled as she walked down the corridor Spike was comforting her little sister. The big bad vampire was comforting the Slayer's sister. And the girl was allowing herself to be comforted. Buffy could see the beginnings of a big brother syndrome in Spike here. It was. . . well it was so sweet.  
  
Buffy handed Spike a can of coke, "Hey you two. You okay?"  
  
Dawn lifted her head sleepily. The girl was exhausted; she hadn't slept or eaten, "I'm okay." She spotted the coke, "Please tell me that's for me. I'm dying over here."  
  
Spike smiled and handed her the can. Buffy pulled another one out of her bag, "I got plenty. I also got a bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich from the canteen. I know they're you're favourite Dawn."  
  
Dawn smiled and shook her head, "I'm really not hungry."  
  
Buffy wasn't having any of that, "Don't even think about it. If you don't eat it, I'll take you home for some breakfast. I don't want to go either, but sick or not, Mom would kill me if I don't make you eat."  
  
Spike took the sandwich, "Come on nibblet, you really should."  
  
Buffy watched as Dawn took the sandwich and ate. Buffy smiled.  
  
Riley went round to Buffy's. He was feeling a little bit horny. Time for a visit to the girl friend. They hadn't actually made love since the day after he had come out of hospital. He didn't know why. Maybe they had just not got round to it. But Riley was getting the feeling that maybe Buffy was . . . He had been afraid of this. Buffy was going off him. Oh God. He knew that she didn't love him; she hadn't ever actually loved him. She had . . .Buffy . . . Riley didn't know what he was going to do if he couldn't keep her. He loved her. Riley scanned the house, but he couldn't see anyone there. Grabbing his jacket, he headed for the magic box. He would keep her please God he would.  
  
Buffy stood by the door. Her mom was getting her results. Buffy had never been so terrified in all of her life. She would rather go to fight the Master, Angel, and Faith all over again and at the same time than go in there and find out what was happening to her mother. Thank God that Dawn was asleep in the other room. She didn't want her sister to hear it unprepared if it was bad news. Buffy took a breath and felt two arms slip around her waist. She knew that it was Spike. She leant back for a second into his touch, "I can't go in there Spike. I just can't."  
  
Spike pressed his lips to the column of her throat, "You will Slayer. You know that you have to."  
  
Buffy shivered and pulled his arms tighter around her, "What if it's bad news? I don't know if I can deal with it."  
  
Spike rubbed her arms, "If it's bad news pet . . .well, she'll need you. Do you want her to be in there getting the bad news alone?"  
  
Buffy turned around in his grasp, "You're right. I don't want her to be alone. Will you stay with Dawn until I get back, and will. . ?"  
  
"What pet?"  
  
Buffy swallowed the lump in her throat, "Don't go anywhere. I need you okay?"  
  
"Yeah pet. I love you." Spike kissed her on the forehead.  
  
Buffy turned and taking a deep breath, she opened the door.  
  
Buffy slipped out of the room. She felt as though her knees were going to collapse beneath her. The world was spinning. She couldn't seem to stand straight. All the sounds in the room sounded as though they were coming through cotton wool. Buffy felt sick. She leant against the wall and tried to support her weight. Buffy didn't try to stop the tears that were cascading down her face. She had never cried so much in any twenty-four hours as she had this twenty-four. Buffy felt her knees give and she slid down the wall. Before she hit the floor she felt a pair of arms encircle her. Despite the lack of the leather coat, she knew that the arms belonged to Spike.  
  
"What happened pet?"  
  
Buffy sobbed, "There's a shadow on the scan. They don't know what it is. But I know. It's something bad and she's going to get sick and I can't help her and she's going to get sicker and then she's going to di . . . "  
  
Spike pressed his lips to hers. Pulling away, he held her tightly, "Don't even say that. You don't know that yet. Even the doctors don't know what's happening yet. You can't fall apart yet. Dawn needs you."  
  
Buffy couldn't seem to stop shaking. She lifted her head and kissed Spike. "Spike, I don't know what to do."  
  
Spike kissed her back. She clung to his back. Spike took both of her hands, "I'll help you. We have to go and stay with Dawn and when she wakes up we need to tell her."  
  
Buffy shook her head, "I don't think that we should tell her yet."  
  
Spike shrugged, "She's not stupid you know pet and from what she was saying before there isn't much you could tell her that's worse than what she's imagining."  
  
Buffy nodded, "All right. How do I tell her that her mother could be dying?"  
  
Spike gripped her hands, "You don't. We do."  
  
Riley pushed open the door, "Buffy?"  
  
Anya came forward; apparently disappointed that Riley wasn't a customer, "Buffy's not here. She called early on and spoke to Giles. Something's wrong. They have to go to the hospital and do some tests on Joyce. Giles, Willow, or Xander could probably tell you more."  
  
Riley slipped into the shop and saw Willow and Xander sat at the table, apparently still researching that demon woman, that Buffy had fought a couple of weeks ago. "Hey guys. What's happening with Mrs Summers?"  
  
Giles came through and thought that it was a sign of Riley's lack of connection that he was still the only one to call Joyce 'Mrs Summers'. Even Tara called her by her Christian name. He had told Willow and Xander everything that he had been told by Buffy, everything except the part about Spike going with them. Buffy had told him not to mention that part. She had said that she wanted to tell them herself. One at a time, probably Willow first. She loved them both, but Willow was much more accepting than Xander. . .and over Spike . . .well Buffy was going to need all the acceptance she could get. Buffy said she was still with Riley, but it wasn't Riley that was at the hospital with her now. It was Spike. She wanted her friends to know about Spike's feeling for her. She hated keeping anything from them. She was already keeping secrets about Dawn. She didn't want anymore from them.  
  
But now that Riley was on his . . .That was all they needed, for Riley to go to the hospital and find Spike there. "Buffy and Dawn took their mother to the hospital for a CAT scan. They doctor's still aren't sure what's wrong but they're trying to find out."  
  
Riley turned, "I'd better get down there. I don't want Buffy to be alone."  
  
Giles spoke quickly, "She's not alone. The girls are together and they need each other at a time like this."  
  
"Yeah but Buffy'll need me too"  
  
Willow picked up a sharp glare from Giles. Why was Giles trying to stop Riley from going? Whatever it was it was probably a hell of a reason. She spotted his appeal for help, "Riley. Don't you think that the sisters should be together . . .with each other?"  
  
Riley looked at them all like they'd gone crazy, "I'm going."  
  
Riley walked out of the door.  
  
Giles gestured to the back room and Willow followed, leaving a very confused Xander to shrug and get back to work.  
  
"Care to fill me in on what that was all about."  
  
Giles looked at the redhead. "Buffy wants to tell you herself. She told me almost by accident, she said that she wanted to tell you herself."  
  
A look of horror dawned on Willow's features, "Is it something bad? Is the world ending? Is her mom bad? Is. . ."  
  
Giles put both of his hands on her shoulders, "Willow. Calm down. It's nothing like that. It's a personal issue. Let's just say that she's going to need your support. I'm trying to deal with it at the moment, and even though I'm not comfortable with . . . Well we have to trust that Buffy knows what she's doing."  
  
Buffy didn't know what she was doing. She was just holding Dawn as she cried. As they both cried . . . again. But it was their mom. So they cried.  
  
Spike stood and Buffy shook her head slightly. She didn't want him to go. But he smiled, "I'll be back in a bit pet. You girls need a little time to yourselves."  
  
Spike slipped on his duster and disappeared around the corner. Buffy clung to her sister. The girl didn't even seem to have heard Spike.  
  
Buffy couldn't take her eyes of Dawn. She looked so small, so helpless, so . . . real, so Dawn. Buffy was about to stand up and go look for Spike when she felt a hand touch her shoulder. Lifting her own hand to take hold of his, she found the hand was warm. Riley.  
  
Buffy stood and hugged her boyfriend, "Hey. Sorry I didn't call. I didn't know about it until last night and then we just came here."  
  
Riley felt his stomach clench. She had found the time to call Giles after all. "It's okay. I understand." He wrapped his arms around her tiny shoulders and hugged her fiercely. Maybe she was just not thinking clearly, when she didn't call him, after all she obviously needed him to be here. Needed his support. Well she needed someone anyway and now he was here.  
  
Spike turned the corner. On his way, back he had decided to get them some food. He thought that when girls were upset they liked chocolate. He had cut his knuckles putting his fist through the glass, but if it helped to calm them even a little it was going to be worth it. To pacify Buffy he had also gotten a few sandwiches and some drinks. As soon as he saw Riley, he stopped. Buffy's head was resting on her 'boyfriend's' shoulder. She saw him as soon as he saw her. She stirred as though she was going to come over to him. But Spike held up his hand dropping the food her turned and walked towards the basement. Sewer tunnels it was.  
  
Buffy was feeling terrible. She had let him just go. She should have gone after him, she should have stopped him, but . . .Riley was there. She couldn't do anything in front of Riley. Why? Did she need him? No. But she wanted him. He was a part of her life, her normal life and she wasn't going to give him up, not even for Spike. It would be truly an admission of defeat, waving goodbye to all that was normal in her life. She wasn't ready to do that yet. She didn't know if she ever would be.  
  
So what about Spike? When he told her he loved her, she liked it. It felt wonderful, because she knew it was true, wonderful, and amazing, yet she never said it back. She couldn't say it back, she never would. She wanted him to love her but she couldn't love him back. Did that make her selfish? Of course it did. She just didn't know what to do about it. She felt something for him. She cared for him. She wanted him. She wanted him in her life. She wanted him to have her in his life, but that wasn't love. It couldn't be . . .please God it couldn't be.  
  
And now her mom. She felt so helpless. The only thing close to this had been when Angel had killed Miss Calendar. She had felt a twinge of it then. Responsible and lost, because she knew that she couldn't fix it.  
  
Buffy was pulled out of her thoughts. The doctor was coming to speak to her.  
  
"Well, everything went fine and we're moving her into recovery."  
  
Buffy swallowed even though her throat was dry. She glanced over at her sleeping sister, "Do we have the results yet?"  
  
The doctor frowned, "Let's sit down over . . ."  
  
"No." The doctor's brow furrowed at her harsh tone and she rapidly back- peddled, "Excuse me no. I don't mean to be rude it's just that I have been sitting for hours, I don't wanna sit, I just . . . tell me please."  
  
"Your mother has a low grade gleoma. It's a brain tumour. The official term is . . . "  
  
The doctor's voice petered out as Buffy got lost inside her own thoughts. Her mother had a brain tumour. A tumour. A brain tumour. Her mother had a brain tumour. She wanted to get out of there. She couldn't seem to focus. She wanted to take her mother and her key of a sister and run . . .she wanted Spike. 


	14. Chapter 14

Disclaimer: I own nothing. None of the characters and none of the stole . . . borrowed text.  
  
They were so sick of researching. They were all sick of it. Even Tara who was mild mannered was getting near to the stage where she would bang her head against the wall. Her girlfriend just looked fed up, "I just wish we knew what we were dealing with. It feels like we're going round in circles."  
  
Xander, who hated researching at the best of times was not any better, "Our circles are going around in circles. We have circles here Giles."  
  
Tara rubbed her eyes, "What if she's not in the books?"  
  
Willow looked puzzled, "What do you mean?"  
  
"I mean what if she'd not a demon or a sorceress or whatever these books cover. What if she's something else all together?"  
  
Giles came over after getting rid of a customer, "Something new you mean?"  
  
Tara shook her head, "Something old. Something so old it pre-dates the written word."  
  
Xander closed his book, "Well if it means that I don't have to read anymore, 'whoo' and might I add a big 'hoo'."  
  
Giles however obviously did not see this as a positive thing, "No if Tara's right then we're blind there's no way we can anticipate her movements, where she'll turn up next . . .oh?"  
  
All the gang turned to look at the customer who was standing in the middle of the store, "Uh-huh. I want these."  
  
Giles quickly dealt with the order and sent the woman on her way, "She could be anywhere. But if she's as powerful as Buffy says I imagine it won't be long before she makes herself known."  
  
Riley came over and hugged Buffy, "I heard. What do you need?"  
  
Buffy slowly felt the feeling returning to her body; "I need you to take Dawn to school when she wakes up. Let her sleep for another hour if you can. Mom's not waking up for a while so I need to get to the Magic Box and back before she wakes."  
  
Riley felt that feeling again. That feeling like he was being pushed away. He didn't like it one bit. He wanted to be here for her. He didn't want to be shut out, "What are you going to do Buffy?"  
  
"I'm going to the Magic Box. I need to see if there's something magic that can cure my Mom. I will not let her die."  
  
"Buffy people get sick. I don't think that magic is going to help . . ."  
  
"That attitude is not helping." Buffy's tone brooked no argument and Riley shut up. "I'm going to try. So either help me by getting Dawn to school, or I will do it myself."  
  
Riley nodded, "Okay. I'll take her."  
  
Buffy squeezed his arm and walked out. Riley sank into the chair next to Dawn. He felt an incredible wave of depression pass over him. She didn't really need him. He so much wanted her to need him. Why couldn't she need him? Was he just not good enough? Why wouldn't she lean on him? Why did she think that's he had to be on top of everything all of the time? Well, he would get Dawn to school and the he was going to get very, very drunk.  
  
  
  
Buffy was sat with her friends all around her. They all looked worried for her and about her mother. Even Anya. "So I figure there has to be some kind of mystical cure right. An incantation or something. We have to look."  
  
Willow leant forward, "We can look, and I mean we will, but I haven't seen anything."  
  
"Truth is, the mystical and the medical aren't meant to mix Buffy. I'm sorry. But the human mind is very delicate too much can go wrong."  
  
Tara spoke up, "I've heard stories about people trying healing spells. If we did something it could make things a lot worse Buffy."  
  
"We've done just about enough 'making things worse' for one day haven't we."  
  
Buffy glared around at everyone sat at the table, "What do you mean?"  
  
Glory snapped her fingers and a car appeared from round the corner of the apartment. The door opened and she slipped inside. Really, minions did have their uses. Rare, but still their uses after all, one could break a nail opening doors.  
  
"Quickly. I don't like waiting. You all know that."  
  
The car sped up and when they arrived at the zoo the door opened. Glory stepped out and walked straight over to the lizard house. A cobra. Nice. It would find her key from that annoying little slayer and if she could be bothered, she might kill the thing anyway. After all, she didn't have to do anything if she didn't want.  
  
Buffy arrived in time to see the demon woman, or whatever she was chanting. Oh no. Buffy had, had enough for one day. There was no way that she was going to let this happen. The snake was not being changed to weed the gardens. It was for something bad. Buffy was having none of it. She listened for a moment and then she threw herself into the fight. She kicked the woman but she barely seemed to notice, "No fair. . .attacking . . . when I wasn't even looking . . . a little help . . . now this is no good," the woman was back on the offensive and Buffy as back to getting her ass kicked, "I'm out of the moment, and you're not giving me anything I can use. Dreg I'm not hearing chanting. Continue.  
  
The scabby thing in the corner spoke, "Yes Glory."  
  
So, the woman had a name. Glory. Buffy quickly filed that in her memory banks as the woman kneed her in the face, "Hey hey, work with me here. Even if I do have to carry your performance . . ." Buffy went flying face first in a plate of glass, "Scene."  
  
Glory went over and stood in front of the huge urn in the centre of the room as Buffy cradled her very sore arm, "Arise. Arise. ARISE!"  
  
Buffy watched in horror as the snake burst out of the urn. It had an almost human torso. Well it had arms anyway, but the rest of it was simply an enlarged snake. It was truly repulsive.  
  
Buffy stayed just long enough to hear Glory tell the snake to find the key, before she slipped out of the door. She had to tell Giles and then, well she had to get back to the hospital.  
  
Riley downed one shot after another. He couldn't stand it. The idea that he was losing her crept into his very inebriated brain. As it did there came another moment of clarity. He had never had her. Not really. Not like, he wanted to have her. She had never given herself to him. Not like, he had given himself to her. The vampire that Riley had seen here before sidled up to him. Suddenly Riley wanted her. He wanted to be needed. E wanted to feel passion and desire. Taking her hand, he led her behind the building to an alleyway. Riley let the demon kiss his neck and bite him. He had never felt anything like it.  
  
Riley felt his knees buckle from the intensity of the emotion. He almost wanted to let her have him. To let her drink him up. He feeling of his life flowing into her sent him almost high. He held her head to his neck and slipped a stake into her chest. As she disintegrated, he felt hopelessly desolate. He wanted that feeling again. With a sickening thud, he realised something. He could never get that from Buffy. She would never give it to him.  
  
Buffy knew that her mom had tried not to cry. She hadn't wanted to cry in front of Buffy. But Buffy knew her mother too well and she had seen of course. Now Buffy was going to pick up Dawn. Her mom wanted to tell Dawn herself. Buffy had agreed. She didn't think that she could do it herself. She might break down again. Opening the door of the Magic Box, she saw Dawn. And something that felt almost like panic swept over her. Dawn was about to have her world torn in half. She wanted to stop it . . .and she couldn't stop it. Buffy couldn't stop another thing from happening.  
  
Dawn turned and saw her sister, rushing forward into a hug Buffy held her sister, the key. "Is she awake yet?"  
  
Buffy smiled just a little, "Yeah, she's waiting for us."  
  
"Can we take her home now?" Dawn already knew the answer.  
  
"We'll see. Go get your stuff."  
  
Before anything happened there was an ear-splitting crash. Buffy turned and saw the snake push itself through the opening it had left in the wall. Oh God. It was going to see . . . Dawn! DAWN! "Dawn!"  
  
Buffy called out to her sister. Dawn just stood there transfixed with terror as the snake knocked a display unit on top of Buffy and stared at Dawn. Stared at the key. Then the thing turned and slithered back out of the hole.  
  
Giles pulled Buffy to her feet; she looked she him and whispered, "It knows."  
  
Not hesitating Buffy headed out of the door and followed the snake.  
  
Spike was walking. He didn't know what else to do. He had seen Buffy at the hospital. She was ready to walk towards him. He had stopped her. He had told her no because he loved her. She couldn't take anymore that day. He didn't want to put anymore on her plate. He had told her no because he loved her.  
  
He walked through the park and stopped. There was something . . . something in . . . he could hear people screaming. He headed off to see."  
  
Buffy leapt into Giles' car, "We gotta stop this monster before it gets back to Glory."  
  
"Glory?"  
  
"That's what he called her. Giles she's going to know that Dawn's the key if we don't. . ."  
  
"We will."  
  
Giles drove like a maniac. He followed the snake to the edge of the park where Buffy jumped out, "Get back to the shop. Take care of Dawn."  
  
Giles was about to argue but Buffy had already gone. Putting the car into reverse he headed back to the shop.  
  
Buffy ran. She followed the disgusting thing. Leaping onto it's back she wrapped a chain around it's throat. It managed to throw her off, but she got a seat and pulled on the chain. Feeling it stop moving she released the chain and slid down a little. It caught her by surprise. Jerking and throwing her off. She jumped into it and punched. Letting all of her rage and fear out she punched and she kept punching. She kept punching long after the thing stopped moving.  
  
Spike saw Buffy. She was hitting something. It looked like a giant snake. It was obviously dead. Spike could see tears on her cheeks. He moved forward and stopped her hand. She looked up ready to attack. "Whoa slayer."  
  
Buffy saw who it was and all the tension went out of her fist although she didn't move it from his grasp. Instead, she moved over to him and slipped her arms around his middle.  
  
Spike kissed the top of her head and was rewarded when warm lips touched his. Pulling him to her Buffy kissed him. She needed this. She needed him. Reaching for the fastening of his jeans, she ran her other hand up his chest, "Buffy, pet . . ."  
  
Buffy touched her finger to his lips, "Shh. I need you. I need you."  
  
Spike pulled her to him and kissed her again. 


	15. Chapter 15

Disclaimer: I own nothing. None of the characters and none of the stole . . . borrowed text.  
  
They were so sick of researching. They were all sick of it. Even Tara who was mild mannered was getting near to the stage where she would bang her head against the wall. Her girlfriend just looked fed up, "I just wish we knew what we were dealing with. It feels like we're going round in circles."  
  
Xander, who hated researching at the best of times was not any better, "Our circles are going around in circles. We have circles here Giles."  
  
Tara rubbed her eyes, "What if she's not in the books?"  
  
Willow looked puzzled, "What do you mean?"  
  
"I mean what if she'd not a demon or a sorceress or whatever these books cover. What if she's something else all together?"  
  
Giles came over after getting rid of a customer, "Something new you mean?"  
  
Tara shook her head, "Something old. Something so old it pre-dates the written word."  
  
Xander closed his book, "Well if it means that I don't have to read anymore, 'whoo' and might I add a big 'hoo'."  
  
Giles however obviously did not see this as a positive thing, "No if Tara's right then we're blind there's no way we can anticipate her movements, where she'll turn up next . . .oh?"  
  
All the gang turned to look at the customer who was standing in the middle of the store, "Uh-huh. I want these."  
  
Giles quickly dealt with the order and sent the woman on her way, "She could be anywhere. But if she's as powerful as Buffy says I imagine it won't be long before she makes herself known."  
  
Riley came over and hugged Buffy, "I heard. What do you need?"  
  
Buffy slowly felt the feeling returning to her body; "I need you to take Dawn to school when she wakes up. Let her sleep for another hour if you can. Mom's not waking up for a while so I need to get to the Magic Box and back before she wakes."  
  
Riley felt that feeling again. That feeling like he was being pushed away. He didn't like it one bit. He wanted to be here for her. He didn't want to be shut out, "What are you going to do Buffy?"  
  
"I'm going to the Magic Box. I need to see if there's something magic that can cure my Mom. I will not let her die."  
  
"Buffy people get sick. I don't think that magic is going to help . . ."  
  
"That attitude is not helping." Buffy's tone brooked no argument and Riley shut up. "I'm going to try. So either help me by getting Dawn to school, or I will do it myself."  
  
Riley nodded, "Okay. I'll take her."  
  
Buffy squeezed his arm and walked out. Riley sank into the chair next to Dawn. He felt an incredible wave of depression pass over him. She didn't really need him. He so much wanted her to need him. Why couldn't she need him? Was he just not good enough? Why wouldn't she lean on him? Why did she think that's he had to be on top of everything all of the time? Well, he would get Dawn to school and the he was going to get very, very drunk.  
  
  
  
Buffy was sat with her friends all around her. They all looked worried for her and about her mother. Even Anya. "So I figure there has to be some kind of mystical cure right. An incantation or something. We have to look."  
  
Willow leant forward, "We can look, and I mean we will, but I haven't seen anything."  
  
"Truth is, the mystical and the medical aren't meant to mix Buffy. I'm sorry. But the human mind is very delicate too much can go wrong."  
  
Tara spoke up, "I've heard stories about people trying healing spells. If we did something it could make things a lot worse Buffy."  
  
"We've done just about enough 'making things worse' for one day haven't we."  
  
Buffy glared around at everyone sat at the table, "What do you mean?"  
  
Glory snapped her fingers and a car appeared from round the corner of the apartment. The door opened and she slipped inside. Really, minions did have their uses. Rare, but still their uses after all, one could break a nail opening doors.  
  
"Quickly. I don't like waiting. You all know that."  
  
The car sped up and when they arrived at the zoo the door opened. Glory stepped out and walked straight over to the lizard house. A cobra. Nice. It would find her key from that annoying little slayer and if she could be bothered, she might kill the thing anyway. After all, she didn't have to do anything if she didn't want.  
  
Buffy arrived in time to see the demon woman, or whatever she was chanting. Oh no. Buffy had, had enough for one day. There was no way that she was going to let this happen. The snake was not being changed to weed the gardens. It was for something bad. Buffy was having none of it. She listened for a moment and then she threw herself into the fight. She kicked the woman but she barely seemed to notice, "No fair. . .attacking . . . when I wasn't even looking . . . a little help . . . now this is no good," the woman was back on the offensive and Buffy as back to getting her ass kicked, "I'm out of the moment, and you're not giving me anything I can use. Dreg I'm not hearing chanting. Continue.  
  
The scabby thing in the corner spoke, "Yes Glory."  
  
So, the woman had a name. Glory. Buffy quickly filed that in her memory banks as the woman kneed her in the face, "Hey hey, work with me here. Even if I do have to carry your performance . . ." Buffy went flying face first in a plate of glass, "Scene."  
  
Glory went over and stood in front of the huge urn in the centre of the room as Buffy cradled her very sore arm, "Arise. Arise. ARISE!"  
  
Buffy watched in horror as the snake burst out of the urn. It had an almost human torso. Well it had arms anyway, but the rest of it was simply an enlarged snake. It was truly repulsive.  
  
Buffy stayed just long enough to hear Glory tell the snake to find the key, before she slipped out of the door. She had to tell Giles and then, well she had to get back to the hospital.  
  
Riley downed one shot after another. He couldn't stand it. The idea that he was losing her crept into his very inebriated brain. As it did there came another moment of clarity. He had never had her. Not really. Not like, he wanted to have her. She had never given herself to him. Not like, he had given himself to her. The vampire that Riley had seen here before sidled up to him. Suddenly Riley wanted her. He wanted to be needed. E wanted to feel passion and desire. Taking her hand, he led her behind the building to an alleyway. Riley let the demon kiss his neck and bite him. He had never felt anything like it.  
  
Riley felt his knees buckle from the intensity of the emotion. He almost wanted to let her have him. To let her drink him up. He feeling of his life flowing into her sent him almost high. He held her head to his neck and slipped a stake into her chest. As she disintegrated, he felt hopelessly desolate. He wanted that feeling again. With a sickening thud, he realised something. He could never get that from Buffy. She would never give it to him.  
  
Buffy knew that her mom had tried not to cry. She hadn't wanted to cry in front of Buffy. But Buffy knew her mother too well and she had seen of course. Now Buffy was going to pick up Dawn. Her mom wanted to tell Dawn herself. Buffy had agreed. She didn't think that she could do it herself. She might break down again. Opening the door of the Magic Box, she saw Dawn. And something that felt almost like panic swept over her. Dawn was about to have her world torn in half. She wanted to stop it . . .and she couldn't stop it. Buffy couldn't stop another thing from happening.  
  
Dawn turned and saw her sister, rushing forward into a hug Buffy held her sister, the key. "Is she awake yet?"  
  
Buffy smiled just a little, "Yeah, she's waiting for us."  
  
"Can we take her home now?" Dawn already knew the answer.  
  
"We'll see. Go get your stuff."  
  
Before anything happened there was an ear-splitting crash. Buffy turned and saw the snake push itself through the opening it had left in the wall. Oh God. It was going to see . . . Dawn! DAWN! "Dawn!"  
  
Buffy called out to her sister. Dawn just stood there transfixed with terror as the snake knocked a display unit on top of Buffy and stared at Dawn. Stared at the key. Then the thing turned and slithered back out of the hole.  
  
Giles pulled Buffy to her feet; she looked she him and whispered, "It knows."  
  
Not hesitating Buffy headed out of the door and followed the snake.  
  
Spike was walking. He didn't know what else to do. He had seen Buffy at the hospital. She was ready to walk towards him. He had stopped her. He had told her no because he loved her. She couldn't take anymore that day. He didn't want to put anymore on her plate. He had told her no because he loved her.  
  
He walked through the park and stopped. There was something . . . something in . . . he could hear people screaming. He headed off to see."  
  
Buffy leapt into Giles' car, "We gotta stop this monster before it gets back to Glory."  
  
"Glory?"  
  
"That's what he called her. Giles she's going to know that Dawn's the key if we don't. . ."  
  
"We will."  
  
Giles drove like a maniac. He followed the snake to the edge of the park where Buffy jumped out, "Get back to the shop. Take care of Dawn."  
  
Giles was about to argue but Buffy had already gone. Putting the car into reverse he headed back to the shop.  
  
Buffy ran. She followed the disgusting thing. Leaping onto it's back she wrapped a chain around it's throat. It managed to throw her off, but she got a seat and pulled on the chain. Feeling it stop moving she released the chain and slid down a little. It caught her by surprise. Jerking and throwing her off. She jumped into it and punched. Letting all of her rage and fear out she punched and she kept punching. She kept punching long after the thing stopped moving.  
  
Spike saw Buffy. She was hitting something. It looked like a giant snake. It was obviously dead. Spike could see tears on her cheeks. He moved forward and stopped her hand. She looked up ready to attack. "Whoa slayer."  
  
Buffy saw who it was and all the tension went out of her fist although she didn't move it from his grasp. Instead, she moved over to him and slipped her arms around his middle.  
  
Spike kissed the top of her head and was rewarded when warm lips touched his. Pulling him to her Buffy kissed him. She needed this. She needed him. Reaching for the fastening of his jeans, she ran her other hand up his chest, "Buffy, pet . . ."  
  
Buffy touched her finger to his lips, "Shh. I need you. I need you."  
  
Spike pulled her to him and kissed her again. 


	16. Chapter 16

Disclaimer: I am here owning nothing.  
  
Thanks to everyone who has reviewed the last two chapters. It definitely makes me write faster. Makes me want to please y'all.  
  
Spike kissed Buffy on the shoulder as she sighed, "I think it's time to get you back to the shop and then back to the hospital."  
  
Buffy made a small sound of protest, "I like it here. I don't have to think about anything difficult."  
  
"Like your sister and mum?"  
  
Buffy turned over in his arms to face him, "I know. All right, I'm moving."  
  
Buffy laid perfectly still, "Pet?"  
  
Buffy smiled slightly, "Any second now."  
  
Spike lowered his head to hers and kissed her softly. "Come on. I'll take you back there. I love you pet."  
  
Buffy stood and grabbed her pants, "All right. I don't think being naked in the park is a good idea anyway. Last thing we need is to get caught."  
  
Spike felt a twinge of sadness and even a little bit of anger. Was she that ashamed of him? Did she not want to be seen with him?  
  
Buffy knelt and kissed him, "We could scar a bunch of kids or worse, we could scar nuns for life."  
  
Spike smiled and grabbed his jeans.  
  
She didn't want to go in. Once she did, she was going back to a situation she didn't know how to deal with. She was going to go in though. Her sister needed her. Her mother needed her.  
  
Spike squeezed her shoulders gently from behind, "You need to go in pet. When you're done, I'll be at the crypt. If you need me just come round. But I think it would be a good idea to stay with your mom and sister."  
  
Buffy turned around and gripped his arms, "Come with me? I think that Dawn would like it too. She seems to like you."  
  
Spike smiled, "Well then she has better taste than her sister. But I can't come with you Slayer."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Soldier boy might turn up." Buffy stumbled over her words trying to find a way round this. Before she could, he kissed her quickly, "See you soon."  
  
Before she could stop him, he seemed to melt into the shadows.  
  
Joyce patted her hair, "Oh do I have bed hair? I don't look like scary mom do I?"  
  
Buffy touched her mom's hair, "No. You look beautiful."  
  
Joyce looked as though she was about to cry again, but she swallowed it down, "Okay, let's do this. Stay close?"  
  
Buffy nodded. Her mom was right. Dawn would need a minute.  
  
Buffy slipped out of the room as Dawn slipped into it and into her mother's arms. Closing the door a little Buffy turned and saw Riley. He touched her face and she fought not to flinch. She didn't want to be comforted. "How are you doing?"  
  
Buffy swallowed, "Minimal damage of the fighting kind. It's all the other kind."  
  
Riley slipped his arms around her. "It's okay, just let it out."  
  
Buffy felt her body tremble. Didn't he understand? She couldn't let go. Not right now. Her mother and sister were in the other room. They needed her to be strong for them. They didn't need her to fall apart. She could fall apart when they weren't leaning on her. She had had a cry tonight, and she didn't doubt that she would cry again, but not now. "I can't, not now. They need me." At the hurt look on his face she tried to explain a little, "If I start now, I won't be able to stop."  
  
Riley wanted to comfort her. He wanted her to lean on him. He wanted to be allowed to be there for her. But she wouldn't let him. Even as he reached to stroke her face he heard her mother call for her. Without a backward glance, she turned and walked away from him closing the door behind her. Riley stood, he felt so hurt. He couldn't stand it. Why wouldn't she rely on him? Why wouldn't she let him take care of her? It was hard enough that she treated him like a child now when they went on patrol, like he wasn't as strong as her. Well, maybe he wasn't, but now . . . now he felt it. He felt weak and useless. She didn't need him. But there was something that did. Riley headed out.  
  
Xander, Willow, and Giles fought for their lives. They shouldn't have gone on patrol without Buffy. They all knew it. It wasn't a good idea. But with Riley, they might have been okay. Strength in numbers and all that. Now they were fighting two particularly strong vamps and they seemed to be losing quickly. Xander had almost been staked and now he and Giles were being strangled. Willow fought to get back on her feet. She had to save her friends. Willow ran over and staked the demon that had once been a woman. The vampire exploded in a cloud of dust and the two men fell to the floor clutching their throats.  
  
As they walked through the cemetery, Xander voiced what they were all thinking, "I think we should get points for showing up unlike some Riley Finn, who shall remain, unnamed."  
  
Giles, ever the optimist tried to excuse him, "Yes that was disappointing he may have been useful."  
  
Willow seemed to be on something of a high, "Oh piffahoonies him when I'm dusting two at a tim . . ." She came back to earth as her knees gave, "Maybe it would have been good if he had shown up."  
  
Giles looked behind him as though the ex-soldier would be stood there, "Perhaps he forgot."  
  
Riley lay there. On a filthy couch as a demon suckled on his arm. There was no denying that it was sexual. He was hard from it. He shivered as the vampire pulled more blood from him. He didn't want to leave.  
  
  
  
Buffy had gone to see Spike that night. In fact, she had gone to see him every night for the past week and a half. They had only made love on three of the nights. Granted they had . . . well, a lot. But the other times he had held her, they had even talked and she had let go and cried. She had really cried. One night she had even hit him. She hadn't meant to, he hadn't held it against her. She hadn't even hit him hard, and there hadn't even been a reason. He had just taken her in his arms.  
  
She had spent every day at the hospital since. Dawn had been at school of course, but every spare moment was spent at the hospital. He sister was taking it very hard. She wasn't even crying in front of her mother but Buffy had heard her at night. Sobbing her heart out. One of the night's Buffy had even brought Dawn into her room. They had talked until Dawn had fallen asleep. Buffy was trying to help Dawn cope but it was hard for her to cope anyway. So, she helped her sister, and Spike helped her.  
  
They were all at the hospital again. Buffy felt like this place was becoming a home away from home. All her friends were moving in and out of the place all the time and all of the staff knew them pretty well by now. Willow came to the door and waved her arm at Buffy signalling her to come out.  
  
"Mom, I'll be back in a few minutes. Dawn, look after her again."  
  
Dawn smiled at her sister, "Okay."  
  
Buffy slipped out of the door. "What's up Will?"  
  
Willow smiled, "I didn't know if you wanted to be interrupted. Just thought maybe you wanted to talk?"  
  
Buffy smiled at her friend, there were only a few people in this world she couldn't fool. Willow was definitely one of them, "Oh. I'm okay. A little . . .oh, I don't know. Worried, all the time. We just found out that mom's having her operation the day after tomorrow. Mom is torn between happy that it's finally happening and worry that it's happening. I don't know what to say. I never know what to do. I'm trying to look after Dawn all the time and not tell her how worried I am. She was crying so hard the other night that I had to being her into my room. I . . . I . . . "  
  
Willow pulled her friend into a hug, "Needed to let go little?"  
  
Buffy gave a half sob half laugh, "Yeah. I guess. Actually there was something that I was going to tell you before all of this happened."  
  
Willow flopped down into a chair, "Gossip? Ooooh. Do tell."  
  
Buffy laughed a little, "It's not that interesting. Well . . . yeah okay it is."  
  
"What? Don't keep me in suspense."  
  
"Well. I found out a couple of weeks ago that . . . Spike's in love with me."  
  
Buffy watched as Willow's mouth fell open, "What?"  
  
"Yeah I know. I was going to tell you sooner but what with mom. Well . . ."  
  
Willow waved it away, "So? What did you say?"  
  
"I didn't know what to say. And you mustn't tell anyone about this right. No one. Only you and Giles know. You mustn't tell anyone."  
  
"I won't. I swear." Willow scowled a little, "Now wait. The only reason you wouldn't want to tell anyone is if you thought you had something to hide. Why would you? If it was, just a Spike crush you'd tell and we'd laugh about it. Do you have feelings for him?"  
  
Buffy looked at the floor and nodded ever so slightly, "Maybe a little, okay a lot."  
  
For the second time in as many minutes, Willow's mouth fell open. "Spike? The Spike that tried to kill us? The one who unleashed the Judge? The one who threatened to shove a broken bottle in my face?"  
  
Willow didn't actually sound angry, just surprised, "When you say it like that it sounds bad."  
  
Willow shook her head, "Well there are some definite good sides. I mean it's not like he has a soul to lose. And well . . . he's been a little bit different. He hasn't been evil per se for a while. So I guess, I think I could get used to him. I don't hate him. He's definitely a bit different to the types of vamps you usually deal with."  
  
Buffy threw her arms around her friend, "See? Now this is why I chose to tell you first. I knew that you'd never judge me. Whether you agreed with me or not. This is why you're my best friend."  
  
Willow grinned and blushed, "Of course I'd never judge you, but . . . what about Riley?"  
  
Buffy's smile faded, "I'm still with Riley. I just wanted to tell you how I felt. I'd say straight out about Spike's feelings if I didn't think that Xander be incredibly sarcastic and disparaging. But obviously mine are a little more . . . well, controversial."  
  
"I'd leave off telling Xander for a while if I were you."  
  
"Don't worry I plan on it."  
  
Willow hugged her friend again, "Okay. Anyway, I have some stuff in the bag for you. And your mom."  
  
The book of spells had gone down particularly well with Dawn. Willow was glad that she had given that to her. What she wasn't glad about was that she had seen Joyce . . . go weird. It had apparently scared the hell out of Dawn. "What was she talking about? That was weird."  
  
Willow didn't really know what to say, fortunately, Buffy came out of the room shutting the door, "I'm sorry the doctor told me and I should have told you. The thing, that's pressing on her brain. Sometimes it might make her say weird stuff."  
  
Dawn flinched, "Does she know she's saying it?"  
  
"Not really. But you saw her two seconds after, she was normal."  
  
Willow linked Dawn's arm, "And after the operation, she'll be all normal all the time."  
  
The girl's strolled down the corridor talking a little. Just as they reached the chairs a man turned and stared at Dawn. " . . . A picnic is in order. What is that thing? . . There's no pictures on this one . . .what is the data . . . there . . . what is the data? There's no one in there."  
  
A look of horror filled Dawn's face, "Buffy."  
  
Willow frowned as she followed Buffy and Dawn away. That was weird.  
  
"You know some of the stars we're looking at, don't even exist anymore. In the time it takes for their light to reach us they've died, exploded, poof."  
  
Tara looked over at her girlfriend. She felt the urge to put her arms around her. Willow was very close to the Summer's family and she was feeling little of what Buffy and Dawn were feeling. Tara knew that Joyce had been there for Willow before, when a teacher had been killed, when they had fought the Initiative. Willow cared very much for Joyce, "Were things rough at the hospital?"  
  
Willow just shrugged. Tara took that to mean 'yes'. "I used to love to look up at them when I was little. They're supposed to make you feel all insignificant but they made me feel like I was in space. Part of the stars. There Cannas Minor and Cassiopeia."  
  
Tara looked up and pointed at the stars, "And the big pineapple."  
  
Willow frowned, "I don't think I know that one."  
  
Tara smiled, "Oh it's a major one. You see those three bright stars over there?"  
  
Willow nodded, "Yeah."  
  
"And see those other three stars there? That's the bottom of the pineapple. The real ones never made any sense to me. I kinda have my own."  
  
Willow touched Tara's arm, "Teach me."  
  
Tara smiled and leaned her head towards Willow, "See those stars there? Short man looking uncomfortable." Both of the girls giggled, "Those, moose getting a sponge bath. And those, a little pile of crackers. That was a bit of a stretch." Willow laughed, "You try it. What would you call that one?"  
  
Willow relaxed a little, she appreciated Tara's change of topic, "I see." Willow's relief lasted a few seconds until she saw a comet, "A huge flaming meteor about to crash into something."  
  
Both the girls stood and watched as the meteor came crashing to earth. 


	17. Chapter 17

Disclaimer: Joss Whedon owns everything that isn't me and mine.  
  
Thanks to my faithful reviewers. You're all so nice to me, I just don't deserve it.  
  
"This thing doesn't work. It isn't working."  
  
Buffy took the call button out of her mother's hand, "I am sure they heard you."  
  
"I bet it's not even hooked up to anything. Just like those push buttons at the cross walk they're supposed to make the signal change."  
  
Buffy tried to stay calm. Her mother had been . . . off. It was the tumour. It was pressing on her brain. The doctor had told her about it. Fortunately, Dawn wasn't noticing too much. Willow had given her a book on spells and Dawn had been absorbed in it for the past two hours, "I am sure that someone's . . . wait the push buttons aren't hooked up to anything?"  
  
Buffy had apparently been right. The doctor came through the door, "Oh tell him Buffy. Tell him okay?"  
  
Buffy placed a hand on her mother's arm and nodded, "Look Doctor Kriegel we wanna go home."  
  
The doctor smiled sympathetically, "Of course. You can come back and visit your mother first thing in the morning."  
  
Buffy looked a little sheepish, "No, I mean 'we'. All of us. My mom too."  
  
The doctor frowned and Buffy could see something switching on his brain, that kind of 'pacify-the-patient' mode, "Oh. Well I understand that, but it's not exactly the first thing I'd recommend."  
  
Buffy was about to explain but her mother interrupted, "I can't. I can't stay here for two days waiting. I just can't. It makes my head hurt to be here can't you tell that?"  
  
"Joyce there's no need to get upset."  
  
"No reason to get upset, oh, right, sorry I must just think there is cause of my brain tumour."  
  
All of the adult eyes in the room immediately swivelled to Dawn, who instantly paled. Buffy fished some money out of her jeans pocket, "Dawn? Why don't you get something from the machine?"  
  
Dawn took the money and slipped out of the room. Joyce looked to her older daughter, "I'm sorry I said that I'm just tired."  
  
Buffy took charge. She was getting pretty good at that, "Look doctor, I don't see why we can't take her home, I mean just until . . .Wouldn't it be better for her to rest somewhere where she felt safe and comfortable?"  
  
Buffy physically saw the doctor give in, "Even if it would mean some work for you? Taking care of her?"  
  
Joyce let out a breath, "Oh thank God."  
  
Buffy smiled, "I'll do it, anything."  
  
The doctor shook his head, "There are medications to administer, and I'd have to go over those with you. And I would need you to check her vitals, watch her pretty closely. I'm afraid you wont get a lot of sleep."  
  
Buffy smiled at the simple absurdity of that statement. If she needed a lot of sleep she couldn't have functioned as a Slayer, "I'm not much of a sleep person anyway."  
  
Joyce tried to get out of the bed, "Can we go now? Let's go now?"  
  
Buffy held her mom's arm, "Whoa, whoa, hold on a second. Let me get all the medications and all the instructions on how to do everything."  
  
The doctor smiled at her mother, "She's right. Let's do this right. We don't wanna forget anything."  
  
The gang were checking out the meteor. Riley had opted to go with them. He felt guilty about abandoning them. After all, the reason for abandoning them hadn't exactly been good. He'd been getting off on a vampire feeding off him. "I'm glad you called me in on this."  
  
Xander fixed him with a piercing stare, "Glad you answered."  
  
"Oh yeah sorry about last time."  
  
Xander didn't stop staring at Riley. He knew that there was something going on with the soldier. He didn't understand how Buffy hadn't noticed it way before now. He could have understood if it had been a recent development, Buffy had every reason to be distracted now. But it had been going on for months. Xander had seen it with Dracula. It hadn't ever seemed to fully go since Angel's brief visit to Sunnydale last year; Riley never seemed to accept it.  
  
Now something seriously not good was going on. It seemed that only he could see it.  
  
  
  
The guys saw the meteor. It was the size of a car. It had obviously hit at one hell of a speed. There were tracks about sixty feet long at one side of it  
  
"Is it hot?" asked Anya smiling.  
  
Riley reached out to touch it.  
  
"Cause if there's radiation you could like, go all sterile."  
  
Xander beat a very hasty retreat, Riley carried on reaching forward. "No it's not hot. It's warm, and broken, it's kinda . . ."  
  
Giles looked at the meteor, "Hollow."  
  
Anya, who was still looking cheerful bounced on her toes to try to keep warm, "So we're all thinking the same thing right?"  
  
Willow linked Tara's arm, "Something evil crashed to earth in this and then broke out and then slithered away to do badness."  
  
Giles raised his eyebrows in thought "In fairness we don't know for sure about the slithered part."  
  
Anya looked at him, "Oh no. I'm sure it frisked about like a fluffy lamb."  
  
Tara voiced what no one else seemed willing to, "Let's look around, maybe we can se where it went."  
  
Willow walked. Icky! As if they didn't have enough problems living on top of a Hellmouth, now they had to deal with aliens. God! It really was not big with the fairness, and didn't these things always pick their times. The one time when they really didn't want to bother Buffy with demons. Willow was so caught up in her own thoughts that she almost fell over the body of a man. She seemed to be making a habit of that lately. Shopkeeper and then this one. "It went here."  
  
He really hadn't been able to resist this. He missed this. Being treated like someone important. He didn't feel like that with Buffy, he didn't feel like top dog. He always felt like number two and after years of being respected and in charge, it was kinda tough to take. As he filled in the Major on all the information he had he revelled. The Major was impressed. Especially with the deduction about mentally sick people. In fact, the Major just seemed impressed full stop. Riley liked this. It was like coming home.  
  
Buffy lay her mother down. Making sure that she swallowed her pills, the doctor had said that the pain could get bad without medication. Dawn lay down next to her mother and Buffy stood by the door watching. Dawn may be the key, but she was still a sister and a daughter, she was more a sister and a daughter before anything else.  
  
Joyce suddenly pulled away, "Don't touch me, you . . .you thing."  
  
Dawn looked as though she was about to cry, "Mom, please."  
  
Buffy was so shocked that for a second she couldn't say anything, her mother apparently could, "You're nothing, you're a shadow . . . I don't know who you are, how you got here."  
  
Buffy rushed forwards, "Mom, mom, its Dawn."  
  
Dawn backed out of the door, just as her mother seemed to come back to herself, "Dawn honey what's wrong?"  
  
Buffy heard Dawn shut the door, "She's just tired, we all are. Come on."  
  
Riley hung up the phone. A Queller demon., probably summoned by that demon woman Glory. Tracking and feeding off crazy people. Riley looked around at the bodies in the ward. Well, a demon, they could deal with.  
  
"Major?"  
  
The man turned around, "Yeah?"  
  
"Apparently according to the people I know, it's a Queller demon."  
  
"Do you think that they are right?"  
  
Riley smiled, "I've never known them to get it wrong."  
  
The Major nodded as a private rushed through the door. "We think we know where it's gone Major."  
  
The entire group headed for the door. Following the signal, Graham announced in a rather defeated voice, "Trail stops here, edge of the parking lot."  
  
The Major did not seem pleased "It stops?""  
  
Riley sighed in frustration, "A car. It hitched a ride. Probably underneath. So much for containment."  
  
The major scowled, "So some poor mental patient checks out of here today, this thing grabs on and they took it right to their own home."  
  
Riley felt his stomach clench, "Checked out today?"  
  
"Set the trackers . . . "  
  
Riley interrupted, "No, I know where it's going. We gotta move, now."  
  
Buffy turned on the radio. She had been so scared. Dawn was no fool. She knew that there was something going on. Apparently, something similar had happened before. Buffy was afraid. Her sister could find out. She might not understand at first, but there was no way that she could keep the truth from her forever. Oh God. Buffy fought, she tried not to, but it was just touch much, the tears started and she couldn't seem to stop them. Buffy put her hands to her face.  
  
Buffy sobbed until she heard a knock at the door. She opened it to see Spike. "Hey. How did you know that we were home?"  
  
Spike stepped over the threshold, "I just thought I'd check. You coping?"  
  
Buffy nodded. Slowly the nodding turned into a shake. Spike leant down and kissed her. Buffy clung to him. "Spike . . ."  
  
"It's okay pet."  
  
Buffy pulled him down to the floor and climbed onto his lap. He held her, rocking her like a small child as she clung.  
  
He was truly worried about her. She was trying to take on so much, with her mum and Dawn. She came to him sometimes and just cried like this.  
  
"I wish some one had bothered to tell me that there would be tennis being play. I just didn't know. Those eyes, those eyes, they're like gasoline puddles. Tell me; tell me because I need to know why? Why are you staring at me like that? Is this the test? Did they tell you at the gate?"  
  
Dawn lay in the next room listening to her mom. It was grating through her hearing her mom like that. Her mom and Buffy had always been there for her before. They were the strong ones; she needed them. Dawn stood; she had to talk to her mom.  
  
Dawn opened her mom's door to see a demon on top of her. It took a second for Dawn to register what she was seeing. She shook with panic. Her mom seemed to be choking. Dawn picked up a clothes stand in the corner and hit the demon, it fell off her mom and Joyce pulled something that looked like plastic goo on her face.  
  
Dawn screamed as the demon threw itself over the bed. She ran round through the connecting door and pushed the exercise bike in front of it. She ran around the bed and shut the other door.  
  
Buffy stood and pushed her hair out of her face. "Thanks Spike. You staying for a bit?"  
  
Spike smiled and took her hand, "Can do slayer."  
  
They smiled at each other. But both of their heads flicked to the stairs when they heard Dawn scream, "BUFFY!"  
  
They looked to each other and then they ran to the stairs. 


	18. Chapter 18

Disclaimer: I own nothing, nada, zero, and zilch.  
  
Thanks to my reviewers. You are the best people in the world. I've been hard at writing all weekend, and this is the last of the chapters I've already written. I'll probably update again tomorrow, or Wednesday at the latest. Please review the new ones.  
  
Buffy opened the door of her mom's room to see her mother wiping what looked like thick white glue off her face, "What?"  
  
Dawn turned and saw Spike, "There's something out there you guys it's after mom."  
  
Buffy looked quickly to Spike and saw him nod, "You guys stay here don't leave this room."  
  
Buffy pulled the door closed. As soon as she did she heard a thud and a stream of Spike's colourful swearing. Turning around she saw him wrestling with some kind of creature. The thing had what looked like a beetle shell on it's back; its head was small and round. Buffy couldn't see it's face but it was squealing. Spike stumbled backwards underneath the things weight and tumbled down the stairs. Buffy quickly followed and pulled the thing off him. It skittered round a corner and Buffy pulled Spike to his feet, "You okay?"  
  
"I'll un-live pet."  
  
"You sure?"  
  
Spike smiled and nodded, "Let's kill this thing though."  
  
Buffy nodded and went through to the kitchen. She took two knives out of the rack, gave one to Spike, and the two of them crept through the house.  
  
Buffy turned at a noise, but if the thing had been there it disappeared.  
  
Buffy indicated the passage way to the kitchen at the back of the house, Spike nodded and walked past her while she stayed at the front window. Buffy kept her eyes on the shadow until she heard an unmistakeable growl from Spike. Buffy ran through to see the thing on top of him. Buffy leant forward and sank her knife through its back. The demon let out and ear piercing squeal and jumped at Buffy. Spike watched as the Slayer fell backwards and hit the floor. He picked up his knife and threw it to her. Catching it in one hand, she sunk it into the demon's back until it stopped moving.  
  
Spike looked at her stuck under the body, "That's a good look for you Slayer."  
  
Suddenly Buffy was struck with the hilarity of her on her dining room floor under the body of a demon. She started to giggle. Spike leant against the doorframe as he laughed. "Okay you bleached moron get this thing off me."  
  
Spike, still laughing, walked towards her. Before he got two paces the front door burst open. About twelve men with guns came through the door. One of them turned and saw the demon on the floor. Buffy wriggled trying to get out from under it.  
  
Spike saw what was about to happen. The soldier aimed at the demon apparently thinking that it was still moving. "No!" Spike rushed forwards. Before he could get there, Riley came through the door and saw him. He moved forward and caught Spike by the arm, "What the hell are you doing here?"  
  
The soldier pulled the trigger, just before Spike could stop him.  
  
Spike turned and heard Buffy groan.  
  
Pushing the demon off Buffy and ignoring the twinge in his head he reached for Buffy, "Pet? Slayer are you okay?"  
  
Buffy looked art him, "Yeah. It just hit me in the shoulder. What are these guys doing here?"  
  
Spike slipped into game face without realising, "They came here with soldier boy."  
  
Buffy took a second to realise what he was saying. She looked up at Riley, "You, you got the military involved? After what happened last time you brought them to my house?"  
  
Buffy's voice was quivering with rage. Riley flinched. Partly from her obvious anger and partly from the fact that Spike still had two hands on is girlfriend's arms. "I had no choice. We knew that there was a demon out there killing mentally sick people. You weren't reachable with your mom. I had to do something."  
  
Buffy's eyes flashed, "So, you didn't let the gang, people with five years experience let me remind you, help? You called in the army to my town. When you know how I feel about them. When you know that they invented something that tried to kill all humans and go 'Frankenstein.' You called them in without checking with me or I assume, friends. You brought them here and they have now shot me in the arm and you thought that I would what? Thank you?"  
  
Riley flushed. She didn't understand. That he needed this. This was what he was good at. He needed the respect given to him. It made him feel good. But he also felt a little guilt, "Are you okay?" Buffy seemed to be going a little pale.  
  
She stumbled to her feet, "Don't. Touch. Me. Spike, can you help me upstairs I need to check on them? Then I need you to get me to the hospital."  
  
Riley felt a surge of jealousy, "I'll help you. We can go straight to the hospital after."  
  
Buffy turned her blazing eyes on him. "You will get these people out of my home and out of my town."  
  
Riley squirmed uncomfortably, "Buffy they're the military. They're kinda in charge."  
  
Buffy looked like she was about to explode with rage, "Get them out. If you don't, I will. They can threaten all they want but let's face it. When it comes to the supernatural, they're amateurs in the worst way. Boys playing with toys. They can't actually do anything to me, all I would have to do is break a few legs."  
  
Spike fought the urge to laugh. Buffy was right of course. These army boys were no match for her. If he were Riley, God forbid, he'd get them out of there quick. He hadn't seen the slayer this pissed off since he had kidnapped Angel. Spike put an arm under hers and helped her up the stairs.  
  
"Don't tell them I've been shot okay?"  
  
Spike nodded, "I won't pet."  
  
She tried to explain, "They'd just worry, and you know. Mom'd worry . . ."  
  
Spike cut her off, "I know and don't worry. I won't say a word  
  
Buffy seemed to have lost her steam a little. She opened the door and slipped inside, "It's gone. I killed it."  
  
Joyce looked up, "Oh thank God. Are you two okay?"  
  
Spike stepped forward, "We're okay. Just a little scratch."  
  
Joyce saw the blood and paled, "Are you okay? Oh my God Buffy. . ."  
  
Spike came forward, "It's okay Joyce. Just a scratch. We'll get it looked at but it's fine."  
  
Joyce smiled. "Okay."  
  
Dawn took her sister's hand, "It's gone?" She looked to Spike, "You promise."  
  
Spike put his hand on her head, "It's gone. Promise."  
  
Buffy put her arm around her sister and rested her sore arm on her sister's shoulder pulling them both into a hug, "It's all right. Everything's all right."  
  
Two days later they were all back at the hospital. Buffy's arm was almost healed. Thank God for being a Slayer. Spike had been more worried about it than she had. Apparently the bullet had gone straight through the flesh and the hospital staff couldn't understand how it was almost healed over in forty eight hours.  
  
Buffy sat on the bed with her mother. She could tell that her mother wanted to talk to her about something; she was just waiting for the right moment. Buffy sat and waited for it too.  
  
"Buffy. I wanna ask you about something. Two things actually."  
  
Buffy took her mother's hand and smiled, "Go ahead."  
  
"Well, firstly. I wanted to ask you. Is there something going on? With . . . someone who isn't Riley."  
  
Buffy flushed, "What makes you say that?"  
  
"The way that Spike looks at you. The way you look at him. I wouldn't ask you but with me going in for this operation. I might not get another chan . . ."  
  
Buffy cut her mother off, "No, mom. You will."  
  
Joyce smiled and squeezed her daughter's hand, "I just wanted to tell you. I know how hard you have worked to try and keep some of your life separate from your life as a Slayer. You have tried. You've gone to college and tried to have a normal relationship. But . . ."  
  
"What?"  
  
"You were happier when you were with Angel." Buffy looked down with tears in her eyes. "I know that, you'll always love him in a way, but I also know that it can't work out with him. It's not possible. But from what I've seen, you've been happier since Spike came into your life in a . . . personal capacity. I don't want you to think that I don't understand. That you'll ever disappoint me. I want you to be happy and if that's with Spike . . . I can accept that. And anyway, I like Spike."  
  
Buffy smiled as the tears ran down her face, "Thanks mom."  
  
"Life's too short to not do what you want to be happy."  
  
Buffy leant forward and hugged her mother. "Thank you."  
  
"Your welcome. Oh, that was emotional."  
  
Buffy laughed, "Yeah."  
  
"But there is something else."  
  
Buffy wiped her face, "What is it?"  
  
"This is about . . . Dawn"  
  
Buffy felt her heart clench. Her mom couldn't know.  
  
"The other day. I'm not sure when actually, the days seem to all bleed together."  
  
"It's not important."  
  
"No, I guess it isn't. I do know I was pretty out of it, and I had . . . not a dream exactly . . . more like I had this knowledge, it just came to me like truth you know."  
  
Buffy felt the tears stream down her cheeks again, her mother knew, "What?"  
  
"That Dawn, she's not mine is she?"  
  
Buffy dropped her head and took a deep breath. Meeting her mother's eyes she whispered, "No."  
  
Joyce closed her eyes, and squeezed them, "She's, she does belong to us though."  
  
"Yes she does," Buffy, said it with all her heart; trying to convey to her mother just how much Dawn belonged to them.  
  
"And she's important, to the world precious. As precious as you are to me. Then we have to take care of her. Buffy you must promise, if anything happens to me if I don't come through this . . ."  
  
Buffy tried to cut off her mother again, "Mom, no . . . "  
  
"No. No, listen to me. No matter what she is, she still feels like my daughter. I have to know that you'll take care of her that you'll keep her safe, that you'll love her like I love you."  
  
Buffy clutched her mother's hands, "I promise."  
  
Joyce swallowed a sob, "Good . . . good." Joyce flung her arms around Buffy, "Oh, my sweet brave Buffy. What would I do without you?"  
  
Buffy fought not to cry as she held her mother. 


	19. Chapter 19

Disclaimer: I don't own a thing. I am all poor.  
  
Thank to my reviewers. You are wonderful and great and I love you all.  
  
She had been in surgery for hours. Every minute seemed to crawl by to Buffy. She had gotten Dawn a hot chocolate and laced it with a sleeping tablet. The girl had been so worked up with worry that Buffy had wanted to let her rest. She hadn't been sleeping well.  
  
Riley was there at the hospital with them. Buffy had pretty much just forgiven him for the military involvement. She hadn't had the energy to keep falling out with him. She was too worried about her mom.  
  
Spike had subtly called in to see her but he'd had to leave after a while because they were sitting in a sun filled waiting room.  
  
She wished that she'd begged him to stay. She needed him there. Riley was . . . well he wasn't the same. What her mom had said to her was on her mind too. It was true that Spike made her happy, but Riley made her happy too. It was just different. He gave her what she needed, a small part of her life being normal; even if it was only an act and only for a little while. Buffy felt Riley take her hand, "I can't stand this. What's taking so long?"  
  
Riley squeezed her hand and smiled, "It doesn't mean anything."  
  
"You think?"  
  
"I'd be more worried if you're mom was out of surgery quickly, it might mean that they couldn't do much."  
  
Willow was practically squirming in her seat. She hated the waiting. She hated the not knowing and the worrying. Before when she had heard stories of bereaved families talking about how the only thing worse than grieving was the not knowing, she had not understood. How could anything be worse than losing someone? Now she did understand, sort of. You were just left to desperately hope that things would be okay. There was no end to that horrible feeling of snakes squirming around in your stomach; of the feeling that there's more that you can be doing to help.  
  
Looking over at Buffy and Riley gave her that squirmy feeling times ten. Buffy didn't need extra pressure right now and as well as her mother, she was trying to deal with Spike; it was unfair on so many levels. Buffy didn't need this. Willow felt the intense urge to take her friend in her arms and try to comfort her somehow. Buffy had so much pressure on her at the best of times, now she was trying to deal with her mom, and the added weight of Dawn relying on her, and now men. God. She could definitely remember why she had given up on them.  
  
Willow was surprised that Giles hadn't gone to stake Spike on the spot when he had found out. Though she though that Buffy had told her more than she had told Giles. After their talk in the hospital, Buffy and her had talked again and Buffy had confessed that she had slept with Spike. Willow had had a little trouble dealing with that revelation but it wasn't her place to judge her friend, she never would. But she didn't think that Buffy would have told Giles about that bit, a little bit too much for paternal type ears.  
  
Willow almost smiled, she hoped she was there if Buffy told Xander.  
  
There was something different about Riley; Xander could see it. He was. . . different. He was worried for the ex-soldier. He could see that there was something coming. There was no way that this situation wasn't going to implode.  
  
Apart from all that, Xander thought that there might be something going on with Buffy. He could be wrong; it could be nothing, it might just be stress from her mom, but he wasn't sure. There was something.  
  
Riley felt useless. Buffy was still distancing herself from him, when he had taken her hand, she had held for a second and then she had pulled away and held Dawn in her arms, stroking the young girls forehead and playing with her hair. She wouldn't turn to him for comfort even now, unconsciously or otherwise she turned to every one but. Her sister, Willow, Giles and Xander, yes. Him? No.  
  
Riley was getting itchy feet he wanted to get out of there, he wanted to go back to the nest where he'd found the vamps who accepted money and then they'd bite him. There were other people there, they got off on the feeding too, but he wasn't like them, they were pathetic people who couldn't find any other way to feel like that, he only went . . .well he still wasn't like them.  
  
Giles just didn't know what to do. The hurt seemed to be coming off his slayer in waves. She was scared too, scared of losing her mother and what that would mean to their family. Giles was afraid of losing Joyce too. He cared for the woman very much. She was a good woman. And aside from everything else, Joyce was someone that could always be relied upon. With her, he had always felt like the weight of his responsibility to Buffy was split, he didn't have to try to bear it all, because she loved her daughter and would always be there to help him if he asked. And now with this new development with Spike, Giles had a horrible feeling that he would probably need her. Especially as Giles was getting the impression, that Buffy hadn't told him everything.  
  
Buffy stood walked towards the doctor as he came toward them, holding Dawn's hand. She saw her friends all stand up out of the corner of her eye.  
  
"Everything went fine we're moving her into recovery."  
  
Buffy felt her heart jump, "How is she?"  
  
"Well the good news is that we were able to visualise the tumour which means that I was able to get all of it. So barring complications in recovery I think that you're mother's going to be fine. We'll watch her carefully for the next couple of days and have her back in for some follow up testing"  
  
Buffy felt tears sprig to her eyes. She turned to her sister and flung her arms around her slight body. She and her friends hugged each other and Buffy turned to the doctor, "Oh doctor, doctor, thank you so much."  
  
The doctor started to say how no thanks was necessary but Buffy just flung her arms around him and hugged him until her cried out in pain, "Oh. Sorry, sorry.  
  
Riley caught Buffy by the wrist just as they were heading out. The two girls had been allowed in to see their mother but worrying medical staff and that intern Ben, whose interest in Buffy had not escaped Riley, had soon herded them out. "Buffy, I was wondering if maybe we could have an evening at your house tonight to celebrate your mom's good news, dinner, music? Sound good?"  
  
Buffy smiled, "Yeah. Sounds good."  
  
Buffy had no idea what she was going to do but for now, it had to be good enough. She could probably just say that s was too tired. Oh well, she'd not worry just yet. "Does half eight sound good?"  
  
Riley smiled, "Yeah."  
  
Buffy headed for the cemetery after getting some lunch with dawn. As a treat, they had ordered whatever they had wanted and however much of ii they felt like from the Double meat Palace and they had eaten almost all of it. For the first time in days they had laughed, joked, and eaten well. Buffy had dropped Dawn off at home to get a couple few hours sleep, or watch some TV. She hadn't made her younger sister go to school, it was way past lunch and she was exhausted anyway; she probably wouldn't have been much good at school anyway.  
  
But Buffy had to se Spike, she wanted to tell him about her mother, she had never been in such a good mood. She just wanted to see him. Opening the crypt door she stepped in, "Spike?"  
  
Spike appeared from what appeared to be some kind of a lower level, "I'm here pet." Spike only had to take one look at Buffy's face to know, "She's all better then?"  
  
Buffy's grim spread across her face, "She'll be home in a few days."  
  
Spike smiled, a genuine smile, "That's the best news I've had in while."  
  
Buffy let out a little giggle and threw herself across the room into his arms. She kissed him hard and he clutched at her back. Buffy pulled Spike over to the sarcophagus in the centre of the room and pulled his shirt over his head. Running her hands over his back and chest.  
  
Spike slipped his hands under the fabric of her shirt and pulled it off her.  
  
Spike smiled at her, "I love you slayer."  
  
Buffy smiled and kissed him.  
  
Spike closed his eyes and tried not to notice that she didn't say it back. 


	20. Chapter 20

Disclaimer: I own nothing, none of the characters or any of borrowed text.  
  
Thank you to all the wonderful reviewers out there who make my life worth living, this one's for you.  
  
Buffy lay dozing, curled up against Spike for about an hour. Until he rubbed her arm and brought her back to reality, "If you've got a while pet, there's something that I think that we should deal with."  
  
Buffy frowned slightly and looked at him, "What?"  
  
"There's a vamp nest down town. They run a business from there, I think that you might want to shut them down."  
  
"What kind of business?"  
  
Well, Spike wondered how to phrase this delicately, but it was obvious really that that wasn't exactly possible, "Well, humans go there and they pay the vampires to bite them and feed off of them."  
  
Buffy looked at him like he'd told her that the sky was green, "What?"  
  
"They get off on it. It's like they get off on it, it's a sexual thing."  
  
"You're kidding right? Why would anyone get off on being fed off? It's painful and well, painful."  
  
"Buffy, some people get off on being whipped and beaten."  
  
Buffy made a face, "Well, I still say 'Ew'. So we gonna shut them down?"  
  
  
  
  
  
Spike smiled, "That's the plan."  
  
  
  
Riley walked down the street. He wasn't due at Buffy's for an hour and a half. Enough time to pay a little visit to his less pleasant . . .friends. He felt guilty every time he walked through the door to see the vamps, but he couldn't seem to help himself, he needed it. He needed them.  
  
Riley pushed open the door and stepped over the threshold, the sun had gone down half an hour ago, meaning that this place was already doing business. The man on the door instantly recognized Riley, "Upstairs tonight?"  
  
Riley nodded, he liked to do this in private, "Yeah, the usual."  
  
The vamp nodded and knocked on the door of the room next to him. A few seconds later a female came out and smiled at Riley. Riley didn't smile back bur he let her take his arm and lead him upstairs.  
  
  
  
Buffy and Spike stood at the corner of the street. "There are a lot of them in there Slayer, but the good news is that most of them will be full of blood, drugs, and booze."  
  
  
  
  
  
"So do we have a plan?"  
  
  
  
  
  
"I do. One of us starts on the top floor and the other starts on the ground floor. Enter through a window not the door on the ground and make sure we're both heavily armed."  
  
  
  
  
  
Buffy smiled, "Been a while since I've had this kind of fun."  
  
  
  
  
  
Spike pulled open the bag that they had brought and handed her an axe and five stakes to conceal on her. "You want to go upstairs or down stairs?"  
  
"I don't have a preference. You?"  
  
Spike thought for a second, "I'll take downstairs. There will be more down there. You can deal with the upstairs quickly as possible, and then come, and help me. You okay with that pet?"  
  
Buffy smiled and nodded her head.  
  
When the pair got little close, Buffy put her hand on Spike's arm, "Wait, I think I've got an idea. How is the upstairs laid out?"  
  
"Into, like private rooms."  
  
Buffy thought, "We should do the upstairs together, fast, and quiet. We'd just take some out so that we didn't have to face them all at the same time."  
  
Spike nodded, "Good plan. All right upstairs first."  
  
Riley closed his eyes in pleasure as the vampire suckled at his arm. It felt incredible. He needed this so bad. It was amazing. He knew that he was betraying his girlfriend, getting off on being with the things that he was meant to kill but he couldn't help himself.  
  
Buffy was hoisted up and she slipped through a window that was no longer technically a window, well it didn't have glass or a frame anymore anyway. Spike lifted himself silently over the ledge and they both crept through the room silently. There was girl lying on the floor, she had two vamps feeding off her, and she was moaning in pleasure. Buffy looked to Spike and wrinkle her nose up in displeasure. She moved forward and staked the first vamp. The second one looked up with blood dripping off his chin and snarled at Buffy but before he could do anything, Spike staked the thing in the back. The girl looked ready to cry out but Buffy punched her in the face knocking her out. Spike could tell that Buffy had been careful not to really hurt the girl but her was still shocked," Did I just see you hit a human pet?"  
  
Buffy looked at him and smiled slightly, "It was either that or she could have screamed and woken the whole place and then we'd get caught. Lesser of two evils."  
  
Spike shrugged and smirked, "I'll remember that."  
  
Buffy put her finger to her lips, "Next door."  
  
Spike nodded and followed her. She opened the door and saw a man. He had another male attached to his neck. Buffy cringed again and quickly dealt with the pair knocking her second human unconscious.  
  
Spike stayed in the door way and as she was checking the pulse of the man he slipped out of the door. Creeping along the corridor, he opened the next door and saw something that he really did not believe. Riley, Mr Initiative, soldier boy, he had a female attached to his arm. Spike felt himself freeze; he didn't know what to do. This was going to hurt Buffy so badly. Spike had made his mind up to close the door and tell Buffy that there was no one in there when he heard the slayer make a small sound next to him. He quickly turned and saw her staring at the pair. He wanted to take her away, to take away this horrible scene in front of her.  
  
Riley heard someone make a noise in the doorway; he lifted his head, intending to tell whomever it was to get lost. His eyes settled first on Spike and then on, "Buffy . . ."  
  
Buffy looked for a second and then she turned. Buffy ran down the stairs and out of the door. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. This could not be happening. Not Riley. He was a good person. He was her boyfriend the person that she trusted. He was her 'normal' person. The person meant to bring her a perfect relationship. Buffy didn't stop; she just kept running.  
  
Spike didn't follow her. She wouldn't want him. She didn't want him for anything except convenience. She came to him when she couldn't go to Riley. Spike had seen the look on her face when she had seen Riley, the depth of the hurt there. Didn't she realize that she had been doing the same thing? She had been cheating on Riley with him. Not any more. Spike wouldn't do it anymore. He wouldn't help her pretend that everything in her relationship with that idiot was fine. He wanted her to see how wrong the whole thing was between her and Riley. He wouldn't play a secondary role to the soldier anymore. She was going to have to choose. 


	21. Chapter 21

Disclaimer: you know, the usual Joss Whedon owns everything ad everyone except little old me.  
  
Okay, so I got up this morning and I found four new reviews, (from wonderful people Sesen Obsidian Moon, Dustyvamp, Rachel, and Fojiao2), all of which asked so nicely for the next t chapter that I felt mean leaving it till after the weekend which was my original plan. So, instead, (with me still being stuck in the great education system), I have given up all my free periods and my lunch break to bring you the next chapter. Am I good to you guys or what?  
  
Buffy crawled into bed. She was worried; she didn't feel as bad as she should. She knew that she had been doing the same thing to Riley with Spike if not worse because there had been actual sex. Riley was just getting off on the rush. But she felt betrayed anyway. Her normal guy, the one that she had clung to in her mind as the only thing helping to make her a normal girl had let her down. That was it. That was what she felt. Let down. Like something that she'd been counting on had suddenly shown itself to be something else entirely. It gave her a horrible feeling in her stomach. Did this mean that any pretence at normality was gone? Then what was the point in even trying? Buffy felt herself begin to cry. She didn't know why she was crying she didn't even know what this whole set of events meant. She just wished that she could fix it. She wished that Spike were there.  
  
Riley lay on his bed thinking. Buffy had practically found him in the arms of another woman. He felt so unbelievable horrible for betraying her that it was like a physical ache in her stomach. And now the army. They wanted him back; he was good enough at something for them to want him back. But if he went with them, he would never see Buffy again. He couldn't so that. If she wanted him, if she could look him in the face and tell him that she needed him he wouldn't leave her, he would stay, he loved her. He loved her more than anything. How had she found out where he was? How had she known. . . SPIKE!  
  
Spike sat in his chair trying to get blind drunk, unfortunately it wasn't working. He was too depressed to get drunk. He had seen her face, the desperation and the hurt. If she felt that strongly about the guy then maybe there never could be anything real between the two of them. Maybe he was just wasting his time even hoping for it. He felt oddly cut off; like it wasn't his place to go to the girl he loved and comfort her. He felt like he would be interfering in something that wasn't his business. He wanted to go to her though. To touch her, make love to her and tell her that he loved her. Spike was pulled out of his thoughts by the sound of his door being thrown open. He could smell instantly that it wasn't the person he wanted it to be it was that idiot of a soldier boy instead that was getting off on being fed from.  
  
"What took you? It takes a while to get to full strength after the bite."  
  
Riley was fuming, that thing was the reason that Buffy was hurting. This demon, which fed off people when it could, was the reason that the woman he loved might never speak to him again. Riley couldn't bear it, the very idea of it. That Spike was responsible. Spike! He already knew that the vampire had a major thing for HIS girl. He had thought about forgetting about it, focussing on fixing things with Buffy, but no. He had learnt something very basic in the military. The first thing that you did when there was a problem was remove the complication. In this particular scenario Spike was nothing more than the complication. After he was gone and he could no longer poison Buffy's mind against him. He would simply remove the complication.  
  
Riley punched the vampire across the face. "You bastard! Did you ever think that someone like Buffy would look twice at you? You're an evil demon and she's the Slayer. You're nothing to her you never could be. Do you get it? You never could be."  
  
Spike stopped Riley's hand before it made contact with his face again. The boy really wasn't up to much and Spike knew it but he couldn't fight back and that meant he as effectively he was about to be staked, unless he could stop the boy another way, "Come on. You're not the long haul guy and you know it."  
  
"Shut up!" Riley yelled into Spike's face, but he wasn't about to give up that easily.  
  
"You know it. Or else you wouldn't be getting suck jobs from two bit vampire trolls."  
  
Riley tried to pull away from Spike but the blonde still had hold of his fist in an iron grip, "Let me go."  
  
"No. You do know it. The girl needs a monster in her man. And that's not in your nature, no matter how low you try to go."  
  
For a second Riley seemed to slump against the wall, as the full weight of what Spike was saying hit him and hit him hard. He knew what the 'evil demon' was saying was true whether he wanted to believe it or not. He couldn't please Buffy at least not yet, but he refused to believe that it wasn't possible, he would find a way. Spike was the problem. Riley pulled his hand away from Spike's grasp and tried to punch the vampire again but Spike ducked and Riley's hand collided with the stone pillar in the centre of the room. Riley cried out in pain and anger and tried to kick him.  
  
Spike knocked his foot away careful to keep any thoughts of hurting the boy out of his head. He knew that he couldn't keep this up forever and he couldn't focus anyway. He knew that he had hurt Riley, but Riley had hurt him and Spike wasn't as good at taking it. He dodged and ducked but it wasn't long before the boy managed to land a blow. Spike found himself pinned to the same pillar that Riley had punched with the boy's blood streaming from his cut hand. "Look, I didn't know that you were there all right? You did this to yourself, don't kill the messenger."  
  
Riley pulled a stake from him pocket and held it up, "Why the hell not?"  
  
Buffy walked through the cemetery. She really needed to talk to Spike. When she thought back on how she must have hurt him, running off and leaving him like that she felt sick to her stomach. He must have been so hurt that she just ran off, but she hadn't really known how else to react. She had just needed a little time to deal and think and clear her head.  
  
Unfortunately it hadn't really worked out as planned. She still didn't know what to do. As unfair as she knew that she was being she needed for him to help her, just be there, and let her shout, scream, tell him she hated the world and everyone in it. She knew that he would let her.  
  
Buffy pushed open the door of the crypt. She couldn't believe what he was seeing.  
  
Riley threw Spike against a pillar in the centre oft room. Spike looked frustrated and Buffy could tell by Spike's split lip and the cut on Riley's hand that Riley had been there for a while. Spike was gasping with unneeded breath, "Look, I didn't know that you were there all right? You did this to yourself, don't kill the messenger."  
  
Buffy watched in horror, frozen to the spot as Riley pulled a stake from his pocket and drew his arm back, "Why the hell not?"  
  
Buffy threw herself across the room and caught Riley's arm just as the stake pierced Spike's skin. 


	22. Chapter 22

Disclaimer: I own nothing.  
  
Okay. I'm updating at a quarter to twelve on Friday night. Though it may come out as Saturday morning. I was planning to drag this on a little longer, but tonight I've been all inspired and I've written the last five chapters so I'm going to post them all. Now I may be being optimistic here but if you're feeling charitable and you enjoyed the story, (or even if you didn't), please just review, I don't mind short ones. Let me know what you thought. Thank you to everyone out there who has reviewed you are the best.  
  
Buffy pushed back against Riley's arm and sent him flying hard to the floor. Before he even moved she ran her hand over Spike's chest, "Are you okay?"  
  
Spike grimaced in pain and rolled his shoulder backwards, "I'll unlive pet."  
  
Buffy turned to or rather turned on Riley. "What the hell is going on?"  
  
Riley stumbled to his feet. He was embarrassed that his tiny girlfriend, although he didn't know if she wanted that title anymore, could send him sprawling on his ass with one hand, "I was dealing with a demon."  
  
Buffy's eyes flashed, "So this is how you deal with demons? Cause I thought you got naked and let them bite you while you got off on it. Was I wrong? Is it only demons that CAN'T hurt people that you kill? Is that it?"  
  
Riley flushed red, "Spike's still a demon."  
  
"Maybe so. But I'm the Slayer Riley not you. If anyone stakes Spike it won't be you."  
  
Riley glared hard at her, "Why do you care?"  
  
"Don't start on this. I think that we need to talk. Privately somewhere."  
  
Spike felt his heart being squeezed. If he had laid one finger on anyone, Buffy would have killed him, but because it was Riley, all she wanted to do was 'talk'. Spike was angry. It hurt. Even now, she wouldn't tell him the truth, she wouldn't confess that she cared for him and that's why she had stopped Riley from staking him. She just didn't get it. Did she see how much it hurt him that she was ashamed of caring for him, or maybe that was it? Maybe she didn't give a damn. "Slayer, can we talk for a second . . . in private."  
  
Buffy looked at him puzzled but she nodded, "Okay."  
  
Riley stepped forward, "I will not leave you here alone with that thing."  
  
Buffy glared at him again, "At the moment you have no say in what I do or don't do. I'm not in any danger here. Now I will meet you at the Magic Box. I have to go and check up on my mom and Dawn, she's with Willow and Tara. I'll see if she wants to stay over and then meet you at the shop at six." Riley looked ready to speak again in protest, "Don't push it Riley. Just. Don't. Push. It."  
  
Riley turned and walked out.  
  
Buffy turned back to Spike as soon as the door was closed and ran her hand over the wound on his chest again, "Oh God. Are you sure that you're all right? That was way too close for comfort."  
  
Spike pulled away from her touch. He needed to try to think clearly, about what he was going to say to her, her touching him did not help with that. "Buffy, this can't go on."  
  
Buffy smiled, "I know. Don't worry I'll make sure that he doesn't come round again. I'll make sure, I promise."  
  
Spike sighed, "No. I mean this," Spike pointed to her and then to him, "This. This can't go on."  
  
"I don't understand."  
  
"Buffy . . ." Spike was trying to think of how to phrase this so that it didn't sound too bad. "Buffy I love you. I know what I said. That I'd be okay and that we could do this. But, well, I was wrong pet. It hurts every time that you walk out of here and I know that I have no right to stop you because I told you that it was okay for you to do it. But know it's not."  
  
Buffy could feel her eyes filling up with tears, "So . . .what? This is it? We're over. You don't want to be with me anymore."  
  
Spike moved forward, "No Slayer. That is not what I'm saying. I want to be with you more than anything. I love you more than you can possible imagine. But I'm saying that I won't play second fiddle to soldier boy anymore."  
  
"So you're saying that . . .you're telling me to choose between the two of you?"  
  
Spike nodded, "I don't mean to do this to you. I know that it isn't fair, but I won't keep feeling like this, like you're ashamed of me. You're happy as long as I'm in the background and out of sight but I won't do it anymore. If I'm going to be with you, it has to be for real. You have to have me in your life all the time not just when it suits. You want me when you need me and I want to be there for you, but I want the rest too. I want the fighting and the shagging and the living and just well . . . everything. I wont do anything if you choose him, I'll just . . . go"  
  
Buffy just stared, she knew that she had been being unfair to him, but she didn't want to do this. What was she supposed to do? Choose Riley and never know if it could be anything with Spike? Or choose Spike and loose the only thing in her life tat made her like a normal girl? She was about to speak but Spike cut her off, "Don't. Not yet. Go and speak to your boy. Tell me when you decide."  
  
Spike stood and watched her walk out of the crypt. For the first time in a very long time he prayed to whoever was listening for her to choose him.  
  
Buffy did go and check on her mom and on her sister. Then she just walked. What had been hurt had quickly changed into anger. He just didn't get it. Did he think that she would spend any time with him at all if she didn't care about him? Why would she be with . . .spending any time with him if she didn't care, it should be obvious to anyone that she had feelings for him even if she wasn't sure exactly what those feelings were. Now he was giving her an ultimatum, 'decide or we call it quits.' She just couldn't believe the unfairness of it all.  
  
It was a quarter to eight when she finally got to the Magic Box. She walked through the door to see Anya and Xander talking at the counter. "Hey guys."  
  
Xander turned and smiled a little, "Hey Buff. You okay?"  
  
Buffy nodded, "Is he in there?"  
  
"Yeah. Need to talk?"  
  
Buffy smiled back at her friend, he knew her well, "Maybe later. First I need to talk to him."  
  
Xander moved forward and squeezed her shoulder, "We'll get out of your way."  
  
Buffy squeezed his hand. "Thanks."  
  
Buffy heard her friends leave and slipped into the training room, "I'm sorry I'm late I was . . . well I was walking."  
  
Riley stood, "We need to talk about this. We need to have this out."  
  
Buffy folded her arms, "So were do we start, how about, how long have you been putting your life in danger to get yourself a happy with the undead?"  
  
Riley flushed, "How about . . . could you just please hear me out?"  
  
"Fine."  
  
Riley paced for a few seconds, "I think that when this whole thing started it was just some stupid immature game. I wanted to event eh score after you let Dracula bite you."  
  
Buffy turned on him, "For the love of God Riley how many times do we have to go thought this, I did not LET Dracula . . ."  
  
Riley cut her off holding up his hands, "I know. On some level, I know that. But I was still spun. You know. I wanted to know what it was that you felt. I wanted to know why it is that Dracula and Angel have so much power over you."  
  
Buffy felt a strong urge to hit him in the face, "You so don't get it do you?"  
  
"I wanted to get it Buffy. I wanted to get you."  
  
Buffy knew at that moment with sickening clarity that it was true; he didn't get it. He didn't get her, "So what? You thought that by going out and almost getting yourself killed you'd be able to understand me better. Is that it?"  
  
"Buffy, I feel like hell for what I've put you through. But these girls. They made me feel something Buffy. Something that I didn't even know that I was missing until I first felt that bite."  
  
Buffy shook her head. "Why is it that you feel such an intense need to explain this to me? Why do you need to tell me why you've been nearly getting yourself killed by the things that I am chosen to destroy? Is it that they give you something I can't, well until I grow an extra set of teeth I can't give you that."  
  
"It wasn't the actual bite that did it. It was that they needed me."  
  
Buffy fought the urge to laugh, "They needed your money, and do you really think that it was about you?"  
  
"NO. On some basic level, it was about me. My blood, my body. When they bit me it was, beyond passion."  
  
Buffy knew that at this moment her heart should be breaking, she should feel abandoned and betrayed. She didn't know why, but she knew that although she was hurting her heart wasn't broken, "Riley, I don't know why you are telling me this?"  
  
Riley closed his eyes, "I know that what I had with them wasn't real it was just something physical. But I craved it; I kept going back. They made me feel like they needed me."  
  
Buffy spoke and what she said was meant to come out as a question but as she said it, she knew that it was simply a fact, "And I don't make you feel that way. It's just that I don't know what else it is that you want from me Riley. I have tried. I have given you everything that I have and it doesn't seem to be enough for you."  
  
"You say that but I don't feel it I just don't feel it. You don't need me no matter what you say. You never just let me take care of things. You need to be on top of everything all the time. You never let me take care of you. You never really lean on me."  
  
They were back to this then. His issues over her being stronger than him, he'd never been very good at handling it. "Then we have a problem." Riley was crying, but she wasn't, she was numb.  
  
"They want me back Buffy. The military want me back. Some deep undercover stuff. No contact with civilians. Transports going tonight from the park."  
  
Buffy looked at him, what was he saying. "When were you going to tell me about this?"  
  
"I'm telling you now. If you want me to stay, tell me now. If you love me and want me to stay, please just tell me now."  
  
Buffy's mouth dropped open, "You're, you are giving me an ultimatum?"  
  
"No I'm not . . ."  
  
"Yes you are, you expect me to get over it now or you're gone."  
  
"I just need. . . I need you to give me a reason to stay."  
  
Buffy looked at him for a second. She couldn't deal with this. She turned and walked away.  
  
Riley listened to the bell jingle as the door shut. His knees gave way and he collapsed onto the floor. She left. Why didn't she ask him to stay, why didn't she beg him to if necessary? Why couldn't he be enough? She had barely seemed to care.  
  
Buffy just walked. Her head was spinning. In one night both of the man in her life had told her that they wanted her, and that if she couldn't deliver they were going to leave. Now she just didn't know what to do. She hated the idea of 'choosing'. How did she choose? She didn't even know how to think let alone what to feel. It just made her body hurt all over.  
  
Spike. She could lean on him. She could lean on him and he would be there to hold her up if she fell. But Riley would be there too, so what was the difference. Well she felt like she could with Spike, he was there without making her feel weak. He helped to keep her on her feet. But Riley was the normal person that she had craved for years. If she let him go she might never get another chance and he was the kind of guy that she had fought for most of her life, trying to have a life not dominated by Slaying.  
  
As Buffy walked, she became aware of them. The vampires surrounding her. She stopped and looked around her. One of them spoke, "You killing two of my best was a bad idea Slayer."  
  
Buffy recognised one of the vamps from the night before, "It felt pretty good to me."  
  
"I'm not running and you're not shutting me down." Buffy saw four more vamps melt out of the shadows, "In fact. You're not going to last the night" 


	23. Chapter 23

Disclaimer: Joss Whedon and all at ME own everyone and everything except little 'ol me.  
  
Buffy looked around at the vamps, "Walk away. Don't do this, not now."  
  
Apparently, the vamps weren't in the mood to be listening to a vampire Slayer. Buffy kicked and punched her way through them until she managed to get through their throng and get hold a weapon. She managed to get her hands on a long pointed sharp staff which had been propped up next to a dumpster. She took four of them out in the space of about one minute. She next one, the boss, she assumed jumped at her, she simply ducked and used his own body weight to impale him on the staff. Buffy turned the staff on the last vamp, a female sporting a rather nasty black eye. Buffy realised with sickening horror that this was the vamp, this was the one. It was the one that had been feeling on Riley the night before when she and Spike had interrupted. Buffy just couldn't seem to bring herself do it. She couldn't just stake the thing, not to its face. It felt as though she was being petty, so she stood back, and the vampire turned and ran. Buffy threw the staff and it punched through the things back as she kept trying to run. The female exploded in a cloud of dust as it screamed echoing after it disappeared.  
  
Xander watched as Buffy eliminated the vampires in a matter of moments one after another. Something seriously bad was happening here. He had to talk to her, get her to admit that there was something wrong, he had to try to help her, after all he was a Scooby and that's what they did, they helped the Slayer. "So Buffy. How did that work out for you? Did it make you feel any better?"  
  
Buffy turned around at the sound of her friends voice but she didn't think that she could handle an intervention session now, "This is not a great time, and I don't feel like talking."  
  
"Buffy I'm serious, there is obviously something wrong you're acting like a crazy person, just now, here? You could have been killed."  
  
Buffy walked away and opened the door of the factory slipping through it. Xander wasn't having that however and he followed her, "For example? You don't want to deal so you hide, that's not very Slayer like."  
  
"Just leave me alone Xander. You have no idea what's going on."  
  
Xander shook his head, did she think that it wasn't incredibly obvious what was happening, "Good. So you and Riley aren't imploding?"  
  
Buffy span around and looked at him, "What? Who told you?"  
  
"No one told me anything Buffy. It was right there in front of my Xander face. The guy would do anything for you."  
  
Buffy was suddenly quite sick of all the men in her life thinking that they knew everything, "The guy, got himself bit by a vampire, in a sexual way, he ran around behind my back and almost got himself killed and know he tells me that he's leaving with the military tonight at midnight unless I convince him not to. Go on, then tell me that you understand. I don't." Not only that Buffy thought. I have a vampire lover who's threatening to leave me if I don't tell him that I want him to be a part of my life.  
  
As though Xander had heard her anyway he asked, "Are you going to let him go?"  
  
Buffy almost smiled, Xander could be asking about either, "It's not my decision."  
  
"Of course it is."  
  
Buffy felt the tears build up, "Well it's not fair. It just isn't fair."  
  
"Who cares if it's fair? He's going to just disappear if don't do something to stop him."  
  
"What am I supposed to do? Beg him to stay?"  
  
"Why wouldn't you? To keep him here . . ."  
  
"I don't even know what to do anymore. I don't even know how to deal or how I feel."  
  
"No. That's not it. You see the thing is you got burnt with Angel and then he shows up."  
  
"I know this story Xander." Buffy was getting seriously pissed off at this point.  
  
"But you missed the point. You shut down Buffy. You've been so afraid of going through that kind of pain all over again that, you just shut down and didn't give yourself to him. You've been treating him like a bit of fun. Like the rebound guy. He's the one that comes along once in a lifetime. He's never held back with you, he's risked everything that makes him, him to love you and you're about to let him go because you don't like ultimatums."  
  
Buffy lowered her head as the tears fell down her cheeks. "If he's not the guy Buffy. If what he needs from you just isn't there let him leave, let him go. Break his heart and make it a clean break but if you really think that you can love him. Scary, messy, no emotions barred need, if you're ready for that. Think about what you're about to lose."  
  
Buffy didn't have much time Riley would go in a few minutes; she had to tell him, "Xander . . ."  
  
Her friend smiled at her, "Run."  
  
Buffy ran. 


	24. Chapter 24

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters, or any of the text from the episode.  
  
Buffy ran; she had never run faster in her life. She had to get to the park. She had to tell him. She couldn't let him leave. He had to know how she felt about him. She had to get there in time.  
  
Riley stood there, please let her come, he needed her, he needed her to come and tell him that she wanted him to stay.  
  
Buffy looked at her watch, she could make it in five minutes, she was sure that's eh could.  
  
Riley looked up and saw Buffy. He blinked a few times, he had prayed that she would come but he hadn't actually let himself think that she would. Riley ran from the helicopter and threw his arms around the tiny girl.  
  
Buffy held Riley tight to her. She had made it.  
  
Spike watched from the corner of the park. She had made her choice then. He had seen the elation on the soldiers face as he held the girl that Spike was in love with. Spike wanted to go over there and kill them both, and he wanted to go over there and tell the boy to take good care off her. He wanted to tell Buffy that he loved her. He did none of the above; he just waked back to his crypt and started packing.  
  
Riley pulled back, "I thought for a minute then that you weren't going to come. I thought that you . . ."  
  
Buffy touched Riley's face, "There's something that I have to tell you."  
  
Riley smiled, "You can tell me anything." Riley lowered his head to kiss her, "What do you think? Think you can forgive me?"  
  
Buffy pulled away, "I think . . .I think that you should get on that plane."  
  
"What?"  
  
Riley had gone very pale, "I'm sorry Riley. Everything you said was true. I don't . . . I can't need you. I never really gave everything about me to you. It's not because I didn't care about you. You were so good to me. And I know that what I'm saying hurts you, but I have to tell you. We could go back to pretending, and then we'd be here again in a few months, I don't want to go through that and I don't want to put you through it."  
  
Riley stared at her for a second, "Why? Why did you let me think that you loved me for so long and why can't we make it work now?"  
  
Buffy bit her lip, "I wanted to love you. So bad. You were everything that I had wanted for so long and I finally had it. I didn't want to let you or that dream go forever I wasn't even sure that I could. But no matter how much I wanted a normal relationship with a normal person, I'm not normal. Every time I try to cling to something normal it disappears or dies, and I know why now."  
  
"Then could you tell me?"  
  
"Because I don't fit with normal. I'll never be normal. I need to stop looking for what I think I need and hold on to what I do need. I'm sorry." Buffy pointed to the helicopter, "They need you Riley. You can make a difference. You can do so much good. I'll never forget you. Your special and you will make someone very happy. It just wasn't meant to be me."  
  
Riley nodded his head as he cried. He leaned down and hugged the small woman. Buffy kissed him on the cheek. He touched her face and then he turned and walked back over to the helicopter. Climbing in he looked back to her. He felt such an urge to run back, shake her and tell her they'd make it work, but for the first time, he knew that they wouldn't make it work, they couldn't. Buffy waved him off as he left.  
  
Buffy ran again. She felt so good. She was going to have to buy Xander a present or something. Granted he thought that he was talking about Riley, but as far as she was concerned, he had told her what she needed to tell Spike.  
  
Buffy pushed open the door to the crypt, "Spike? Spike where are you? Spike are you here?" Buffy looked over and around and saw that the chest was open. She bent over the open box and saw that it was empty. Buffy felt a horrible sick feeling rise in her throat, she jumped down to the bottom level of the crypt and saw that everything was gone. All his clothes. The linen. Everything. Buffy put her hand to her stomach. Oh God, he had left. Buffy quickly climbed out of the basement and ran. She got to the edge of the cemetery and saw that Spike's car was gone.  
  
Buffy was in a kind of trance. Tears were streaming down her face and she could barely see where she was going. She stumbled down the street. She was just glad that Dawn was staying at Willow and Tara's tonight and her mom was still at hospital. She could just have tonight. To be sad and depressed. To cry. Buffy noticed that she was at the top of Revello Drive. Turning she began to fumble through her pockets for her key to the front door. Buffy looked up and saw a black car parked outside her house, a Desoto. Spike's Desoto. Buffy's heart leapt. He couldn't be here could he? She saw him. He was pushing something through her letterbox. She tried to make her eyes believe what she was seeing. Spike turned and saw her, "I'm just going Slayer."  
  
Buffy hurried forward, "Going? Why? Why would you go without telling me first?"  
  
"I just dropped a note through your door pet to let you know."  
  
"Spike I don't want you to go. I want you to stay."  
  
Spike smiled a little bitterly, "I saw you at the park pet. You made your choice."  
  
Buffy reached out and took his hand, "You're right I did but I didn't choose Riley."  
  
"What?"  
  
"I went to tell him. He's gone I told him to go away with the military. They wanted him back. I told him to go with them. They need him. I don't."  
  
Spike felt himself shake, "Who do you need pet."  
  
Buffy slipped her arms around her neck, "I need you. I love you."  
  
Spike pushed her away and held her by the shoulders, "Say it again."  
  
Buffy smiled and bit her lip a little, "I love you."  
  
Spike pulled her into his arms and kissed her. Buffy moaned into his kiss and slipped her hands under his duster. "Are you coming in?"  
  
Spike lifted his eyebrows, "That's an interesting offer."  
  
Buffy's mouth opened in shock "You pig Spike!"  
  
"You want me to go?" The look on Spike's face showed that the question didn't need asking.  
  
"Didn't say that."  
  
Spike threw Buffy over his shoulder as she squealed. "Well, then you're stuck with me for the night."  
  
Buffy giggles, "Spike put me down. Put me down right now."  
  
Spike stopped at the door, "Give me your key."  
  
Laughing Buffy slipped her hand in her pockets and at last found key, "Here."  
  
Spike opened the door with Buffy still over his shoulder, kicked it shut behind him and climbed the stairs.  
  
He carried her into her room and span around pretending to check the room over, "Yes this'll do very well."  
  
Buffy pinched his ass, "Down Spike go down. I'm getting dizzy."  
  
Spike smiled and dropped her gently on the bed, "Down?"  
  
Buffy smiled back, "Yes"  
  
Spike nodded and undid her pants. "Whatever you say pet." 


	25. Chapter 25

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Enough said.  
  
This is the last chapter. Of this bit anyway. Okay, so if I get enough requests for a sequel, (which I've already started writing) I'll start it on the site next week. Thanks to everyone who has reviewed this story. You've all been dead nice and even when you've not you've been nice about it. So thanks and one more for the road.  
  
Buffy crept down the stairs. She's had to wait a little while for the feeling to return to her legs. He was absolutely incredible and he seemed to think the same about her. In fact, forget that. They were incredible . . .together. She hoped it would be that way for a long time yet. Buffy opened the fridge and pulled out everything fattening that she could find.  
  
She was halfway up the stairs when she remembered Spike, he might enjoy this food but it wasn't going to fill him up. Buffy crept back to the kitchen. She took a mug off the rack and a kitchen knife from the stand. She made a small cut just below her elbow. Once the mug was three quarters full she put a plaster over the cut a grabbed the food.  
  
On the way past Buffy picked the letter up off the floor. She might want that later.  
  
Spike was just waking up as she crept up the stairs. "Hey pet. Thought you'd gone pet."  
  
Buffy smiled, "I live here. I went to get food."  
  
Spike sniffed "Something smells good."  
  
Buffy flopped back onto the bed, "That would be me . . . literally."  
  
Buffy handed him the mug, "Is this what I think it is?"  
  
Spike was looking at her like she had gone mad, "It will go cold and then I'll be insulted."  
  
Spike leant forward and kissed her and then he drank. It tasted amazing. So powerful, just like her.  
  
Buffy having no table manners started on the ice cream, "This is fantastic."  
  
Spike drained his mug and reached for the peanut butter. Spike opened the jar and dipped his finger into it. After sticking the finger in his mouth, he wiped a load more on her nose. Buffy's mouth opened in surprise, but she giggled and smeared ice cream on his chest. They fought for a minute and then Buffy licked it off him.  
  
Spike moaned and kissed her getting peanut butter all over both of them. The two of them played a little. Spike kissed Buffy who tasted like Cherry Garcia ice cream. "You taste good." Buffy smiled and slipped her tongue into his mouth. Spike moaned again, "You always taste good.."  
  
Buffy woke up to find stroking her arm, "Hey. What time is it?"  
  
"About eleven."  
  
"Oh God. Everyone's going to be wondering where I am. They'll be at the Magic Box. I have to pick up Dawn."  
  
Spike looked at her, "I'll keep a low profile until you know."  
  
Buffy smiled, "You're kidding right. There all there, we have to go together. Willow and Giles I told weeks ago. Xander . . .I'll need your help with."  
  
"You told Willow and Giles?"  
  
"Yeah. Oh and my mom"  
  
Spike looked at her shocked. "You told your mum?"  
  
"Well, she kinda guessed and encouraged me."  
  
Spike laughed aloud, "You're joking."  
  
"I'm serious. Anyway Dawn will be pleased, she likes you. I told you, it's Xander."  
  
Spike smiled and kissed her, "We'll manage. I love you, you know."  
  
Buffy smiled back, "I love you too."  
  
Buffy sat down on the sofa and read the letter:  
  
Dear Buffy, I just wanted to let you know that I was going pet. I know that whatever you decide you'll be okay, you still have your family and friends, and they'll always love you. Just like, I love you. I never actually though that I could love someone enough to do something like this. Selfless. I want to go now. I think that it'll help to make things easier for you. So that's what I want for you. Be happy. Please. I love you.  
  
Spike.  
  
Buffy woke on her birthday and looked at the sleeping vampire beside her. She liked waking up to see him. It made it easier to get up when it was hard, with Dawn and everything. Buffy grabbed her robe and trotted down the stairs. She stopped and picked up her cards. She loved cards, made her feel all wanted and loved. Buffy opened them one after the other. When she got to her last one, she had no idea who this one was from. Opening the card Buffy looked at the familiar writing.  
  
To Buffy  
  
Happy 20th Birthday All My Love Riley.  
  
So that's all folks. And remember if you would like to see more, about how Buffy and Spike deal with Dawn finding out, Glory, her mom, Tara etc then include a line in a review, (hint hint) saying so. If I get say, ten I'll do it. Promise. 


End file.
